I’m really not sure why I’m writing this. I just have to put it somewhere, I guess. So, I’ll start by saying that I’m a happy person. I’m always the smiling, extroverted, nerdy girl who’s the first to volunteer for things. But recently, something’s been changing. I’m not sure how to articulate it, but a switch just randomly flips in me, and I become wholly apathetic towards everything around me, and float through my everyday life, as if I’m watching a bad Netflix romcom. Most recently, I’ve become really sad randomly, and thought about seriously hurting myself. The only thing that was able to pull me back was thinking about my friends, and how much they care about me, and how much it would hurt them if I wasn’t here. I have to be the happy one, because I have to give them someone to look to when they’re not. It’s not healthy, but it works. Mostly, anyway. When I get into these moods, it becomes really hard to be happy. Really hard to keep up the appearance. Which means I dissociate from them. Again, not healthy. But at least it keeps them from trying to help, and being sad because they can’t. How are they supposed to help when even I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I feel so many emotions, and I don’t want to feel anything. I just want to quietly fade into the background, and move out of frame. I don’t want to be the main character anymore. It’s too much for me to handle. I want to have my character killed off, because at least then everyone will forget about me. I’ll be a passing thought, and nothing more. Lucky for me, passing thoughts are the only thing I’ve been having. For now, I’m safe. I can’t give up yet, because I know it’s going to hurt so many people. They need me. I think I can hold on a little longer for them. At the very least, I’m going to try.