I know that in some ways, I am better off than I have been in a cery long time. In many ways, in fact… and, I truly believe that coming to DT, connecting with those of you who have reached out to me, and making some very important friends here, has made all the difference for me, this time around. Feeling like I can really hold on to what I’m doing – or not doing… I haven’t touched heroin in some time, now. I think I got the group element I needed, out of DT, without the dogmatic and philosophical conflicts that I had with 12 Step programs (I respect these programs – one saved my father’s life, but 12 Steps and I just aren’t compatible). One friend, from DT, actually talked me through the worst hours of the kick – every night, during those seemingly impossible nights, early in the process. So much anguish, and pain – the body doing whatever it can to force your hand. Every cell crying ou for relief… it’s like you’ve reprogrammed your brain to think it needs an opiate to regulate the distribution of your natural pain killers and your euphoria-inducing neurotransmitters. So, in the absence of the drug, your brain holds those things back – you feel everything. The lactic acid in your muscles, the grinding of your bones at the joints, your stomach acid, sloshing around, and burning like mad – you sweat, twitch, and feel strange tingles all over. Your intestines spasm or lock up – probably each in turn. Personally, I violently vomit for hours and hours – sometimes all day. It’s the worst pain you can imagine. And, I say that having been through some serious shit.
I know that’s behind me, now. And, I am trying to move on. Move forward… but knowing what you CAN’T DO, doesn’t teach you what you should do. I don’t know anything about what I DO NEED TO BE DOING. Art gives me a sense of self worth, so I pursue that. Being fit also seems to help me feel good about myself, so I need to do more with that. But, the bigger questions: I think I need to step back and acknowledge just how little I have figured out. And, I may need to decide where to stand, and what to do, while I piece it all together.
I haven’t been myself lately. Not sleeping… feeling sick all the time… being too aware (meaning, not being on hard drugs) during the month of August, and thusly thinking about my daughter’s death, fairly steadily… worrying about Maria… missing Anna (not understanding what the hell her problem is)… lacking a sufficient escape from physical and emotional pain, and taunted by various anxieties, I’m irritable, and I haven’t been liking myself.