I’m headed down again. Just when I think there’s nobody else I can push away I surprise myself yet again.

I can’t even reach out and hug somebody. I failed again. Maybe I should have stayed in hospital – at least then I wouldn’t have to pretend like it’s all ok. I’m forcing myself to do this alone and I hate myself for it.

Another appointment with the GP today and the only reason I’m only going is to get him to check out my cracked ribs. I’m hoping he doesn’t even mention my depression, or medication, or anything else. I can’t move without my side hurting.

This suicide watch is driving me insane. I’ve dealt with this problem by myself for my entire life, and now they expect me to feel comfortable with somebody hanging around me all the time. Sister 2 has come all the way from Scotland to be with me and I hate her more with each passing day. Sister 3 is threatening to return from the UK as well.

My only escape is work, but I can’t go back there for another two weeks. Even if I do go back I need to face my boss who knows I tried to kill myself.

Housemate B is in the other kitchen getting ready for work. I haven’t hugged either of housemates. I’m desperate for human contact, but I hate everybody that tries to come close.

What the hell am I doing? This isn’t a positive blog, and it doesn’t make me feel better either.

I should check on my Zuccotto. It should have set overnight.