uhhhhhh i don’t even know what to say. i kind of just want everyone who loves me to die and then i’d kill myself or something. i’m just SO BORED. people don’t get how i can be bored cause i have all this stuff to do, that pisses me off. it’s not FAIR.

i’m really tired because i’ve been in bed for about two days now… OOPS.. i literally haven’t seen the sun since thursday. so now i don’t feel like sleeping anymore because i just feel so gross but i don’t feel like doing anything else either, for the same reason.. i REALLY want to go drink with my friends but it’s like 5pm and they don’t seem into it… at all… plus they drank last night and the night before, i wasn’t there last night because i was SLEEPING… i should have just gone out. i thought it would be better to go to bed early so then today could be more like a normal day but i’m still in bed, haven’t done anything but sleep all day…

it’s really frustrating because i know there is nothing that can help me!!!!!!! GOD that just makes me want to die. i mean i’m pretty sure i’d feel better if i just got the fuck out of bed and did something with myself but like why bother!!!!!!! well obviously, because i’d feel better. i don’t know why i’m so averse to getting out of bed. it just seems like so much work for so little payoff.. that’s probably not accurate but jesus christ whatever i just want to get super drunk, i think i might do that. i’d have to go out and get more alcohol probably, so i’d have to take a shower and get dressed, and that would be good anyway…

tomorrow’s training all day, that should be really good and refreshing. i just can’t get the pointlessness of everything out of my head lately. maybe i’ll walk to the liquor store, that would be a healthy activity… i wish there was another person like me who would keep me company, sometimes i don’t feel  so alone at all but right now i really feel like there is no one. i think i feel that way because i just like want someone to get drunk with me right now and obviously nobody wants to because it’s still daytime pretty much but i wish someone else understood and wanted to.. bbbbbbbbbbbbbbb i don’t even feel like drinking by myself… eh but it will be good to take a shower and go for a walk so maybe i’ll just go do that anyway… except maybe it’s bad that alcohol is the only thing that gets me out of bed ever hahahahahaha jesus i’m so cool. but like whatever god dammit everything is shit anyway.


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