I went for the interview, if you could call it that, today. It was a total waste of my time. I didn’t get the job. I’m not surprised, i’m not even that upset right now. I think i knew i wasn’t going to get it the whole time. I shouldn’t have got my hopes up. I tried not to, and i didn’t for the most part. There was this tiny tiny part of me that hoped that I would have a chance. It was stupid really.
i’m in a wierd place right now. My first thoughts were to hurt myself and hurt myself bad. I havn’t (yet) but those thoughts are hitting me pretty strong right now. I have this scene from Girl, Interupted in my head and its not going away. I feel like everything that goes wrong could lead to me killing myself. Like.. its so hard to explain. could me not getting this job lead to me killing myself? I can’t answer that right now. I know these bad thoughts are pretty bad right now, and i don’t feel like that they are going to go away any time soon.
I wish i could make more sence of what goes through my head. I wish that simple things didn’t make me think the way I do.. I wish I wasn’t me. There is no point wishing though. It doesn’t change anything. I’ll always be me. I’ll always be like this. and there isn’t a damn thing i can do to stop it.
I think i need to be locked up right now. I feel like i’m spinning out of control. I know when things are going really bad. Thats when I make like everything is fine. Thats when I try harder to look like a normal one. To everyone else It would look like i’m doing really well. Inside i’m dying.
I need to get out of here…