I went for the interview, if you could call it that, today. It was a total waste of my time. I didn’t get the job. I’m not surprised, i’m not even that upset right now. I think i knew i wasn’t going to get it the whole time. I shouldn’t have got my hopes up. I tried not to, and i didn’t for the most part. There was this tiny tiny part of me that hoped that I would have a chance. It was stupid really.

i’m in a wierd place right now. My first thoughts were to hurt myself and hurt myself bad. I havn’t (yet) but those thoughts are hitting me pretty strong right now. I have this scene from Girl, Interupted in my head and its not going away. I feel like everything that goes wrong could lead to me killing myself. Like.. its so hard to explain. could me not getting this job lead to me killing myself? I can’t answer that right now. I know these bad thoughts are pretty bad right now, and i don’t feel like that they are going to go away any time soon.

I wish i could make more sence of what goes through my head. I wish that simple things didn’t make me think the way I do.. I wish I wasn’t me. There is no point wishing though. It doesn’t change anything. I’ll always be me. I’ll always be like this. and there isn’t a damn thing i can do to stop it.

I think i need to be locked up right now. I feel like i’m spinning out of control. I know when things are going really bad. Thats when I make like everything is fine. Thats when I try harder to look like a normal one. To everyone else It would look like i’m doing really well. Inside i’m dying.

I need to get out of here…

  1. llamajam 13 years ago

    Hey Jac.  Its horrible when something just slaps you in the face like that and drags you so far down.  And believe me I know what its like when outwardly it looks to other people as if you”re absolutely fine, but inside you feel crushed.

    Try not to dwell on the job too much, it must be really disappointing but there will be other opportunities for you I”m sure.

    If you need a furry shoulder the llama is here for you xoxoxox



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  2. jeneva5 13 years ago

    I know the part you are talking about from "Girl, Interrupted" and I can relate to that too.  It”s such a horrible way to feel.  You should be proud of yourself for going to the interview.  There are millions of interviews I have gone on and not got, but it”s all experience.  You”ll get a job when it”s the best fit for you!  Try not to hurt yourself.  If you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me.


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