Today I woke up with my eyes feeling swollen from bawling my eyes out all night. I can’t remember falling asleep. My relationship is going downhill and i feel powerless to stop it.

My boyfriend and i have been doing long distance for about 5 monthes. it’s been hard emotionally but i thought we were making it work. he moved to florida from nc for his job and i understood he had to go. over thanksgiving break we were excited to see each other and hang out. he was coming home and i was more than ready. but he cancelled our plans and went back to florida without telling me. i asked if i could talk to him and told him that it bothered me and i felt like i wasn’t as important to him anymore since he had been distant for about a week. he told me he was sorry he didn’t see me and he lately “hadn’t been feeling anything about everything” and i don’t deserve it. he said he could no longer see us getting married and didn’t know if he even wanted to get married anytime soon. he said he just wanted to be alone.

i was heartbroken. this boy had opened my eyes to so many wonders and shown me so much love that my heart could burst from it. i was crying as soon as i read it but tried to not blow up. i told him thank you for telling me and asked him why he was feeling those things. he said it was him working the long hours and the distance. he said he still liked me and i was the only one in his life but he couldn’t wrap his head around us being together.

now i was planning on moving down there in february. so this would have solved the distance problem. he assured me i hadn’t done anything but you know no one ever tells you if you have when they’re trying to leave you. so i told him that i had felt that way before in these past few monthes. like i just wanted to be alone because i couldn’t do this distance. but then i thought to myself, i’m going to end this because it’s hard for me to be away from him? that sounded like the opposite of a solution to me. it’s like growing a flower and being so upset you have to wait to see it bloom that you destroy it in hopes that it will fix how you’re feeling. but now you’ll never see that flower bloom. because it’s gone for good.

he proceeded to tell me he was in the store and he would read it later. he called me ‘babe’ which made me hopeful. we ended up not talking anymore because we both went to bed.  the following week up until today was hell. our conversations got even shorter to where he stopped responding at all. i asked him once if i could see him sometime and he said ‘yes you can’. so i asked about next weekend and he didn’t answer. friday i got no messages from him. today i got no messages and i tried to call him so we could talk and he didn’t answer. i sent him a message and he didn’t answer. so finally i sent him a message saying i was going to give him his space for now since he wanted it. i said i felt like the solution would be for us to see each other more and deepen our emotional relationship. i told him to contact me when he was ready. he still hasn’t read it. he’s active on social media and i know he isn’t working.

i’m so heartbroken i feel physically sick. i keep having panic attacks every night. i bawl my eyes out until i can’t see. i scream into my pillow. i punch my mattress. i beg God to open this boys heart to see that we will be okay. i fall asleep still sobbing.

i never got to tell him i loved him. it’s very hard for me to say to anyone even family. but i wanted to tell him over thanksgiving. i wanted to say it in person. but now i’ll never be able to. and oh god i love him. more than i’ve loved someone. i love his hair that almost reaches mine. i love his laugh. i love his smile that reaches his eyes. i love the way he’s blunt and openly honest. i love the way he looks at me. i love the feel of his hand in mine. i love how driven he is. i love his cooking. i love how he accepts me. i love how gentle he is. i love the person he is. i love the memories we share. i love his little dimples. i love his smell. i love the way he hold me in his arms. i love the way he fights to achieve his goals. i love how he pushes me to better myself even when i feel like giving up. i love him i love him i love him. and i wish i could say it.