I will try this again.

I am feeling disconnected again.  A couple weeks ago, my therapist told me she cant help me anymore.  This is not the first time I have heard this from a therapist.  Sure doesnt do much for the hope now does it.  She compared my computer addiction to going out and shopping for a car.  I want to buy a car, I am looking for a car, but I dont buy a car.  I know I have a problem with the internet,  I want to stop.  But I cant stop.  Anyway I left there feeling rejected. Again.  So I kept quiet (er) for a few days.  Then I remember little "incidents" that I keep hidden in the back of my mind.  This person said this, this person didnt call, why does everyone not like me, etc etc.  I build it all up and attack myself to bring myself back down to "where I belong".  Dont get me wrong, she wants to re-direct me to another therapist who specializes in addictions.  So basically..start over with the whole shebang from square 1. 

My grandson had his First Communion a couple of weeks ago.  I felt sooo out of place and couldnt wait for it to be over.  There was a small amount of us from our side of the family and I just felt "dorked out".  I feel like that most of the time. 

I understand the whole "God made me this way for a reason" thing.  I know that earth is just our preparation for heaven and that we are growing into the person we are to become and that is why we face our struggles.   I have talents that I can use and even share with others.  But where does this "outcast" feeling fit in?  How can I use it to God's benefit?  I am still trying to find my purpose.

Last week I was more depressed than I have been in quite some time.  It's scary, isnt it?  We want to fight it  so bad, and yet we cant do it on our own.  And then the therpaist tells you she cant help you anymore.


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