My life ticks away, marked only by unmarkable events, places people and things that are separate from the reality of the world.

I”m 47.  "life ticks away" faster and faster the older you get.  Why do you say it is "marked only by unmarkable events, places, people, and things that are separate from the reality of the world"?  To my limited way of thinking, it sounds like you see no value in any of those things…?

I look forward to some things…in the future I mean, but I greatly dread others.

What are those things you look forward too?  What are the things you dread?

It”s worst at night. I have feelings…ideas about killing myself, but they aren”t as strong as before. I don”t tell anyone about those thoughts, it”s none of their buisness and if I”m asked I lie.

I bottle up lots of stuff.  I”m more suicidal today than I have ever been.  Then again, maybe not, because I have started to feel more and more like making others feel my pain in hopes they can get me help.  I experience panic attacks at night, mostly as I fall off too sleep.  Their lots of fun.

If you are asked about "killing" yourself you lie?  I wish I had anyone, that would pay the slightest interest in my desire to kill myself.  I send many signals but no one really seems to care, here or anywhere.

There are things I have to do this week that sadden me, scare me I don”t know what else. I have to enroll for summer classes and I”m stressed just in general with getting enrolled.

How stressed are you and what specifically is stressing you about enrolling?

A bigger part of me just dreads moving forward, I”ve become so used to living in this sort of alternate reality where all I do is mope at home. pathetic. But it feels safe, like a  warm bed after a cold winter day and I don”t want to leave a world where I don”t have to think of the future. Before there was always this element that maybe I would never go back to my old life. Instead I would make myself comfortable at home and then kill myself. I would never have to face my problems head on. This fantasy, I still sort of have it and as the ireality of the idea fades away I feel so unsafe. It felt so secure to look ahead and not see anything, instead all I had to see was my room at home, because that was all that I was ever going to see.

Why is increasing your engagement with the world outside so difficult for you?  How would you define your illness, that is, if you see yourself as having one?  Do you see anyways you could possibly see these future life stressors as beneficial too you?

There was this kid at college, I didn”t know him but he killed himself in the dorms and afterwards his picture was splattered all over the school and the papers. I sometimes think, if I go back and things don”t work out, will that be me? I don”t want my picture in the school paper if I kill myself, I don”t want to a piece of idle gossip people chat about at the class reunion.

Don”t kill yourself, because too some that is all you will be, "idle gossip"  Besides, your killer good looks can open a lot of doors.  Perhaps, you could use these killer good looks that you have been inflicted with too help others some day.  Just thinking out loud.

But I also don”t want to fail again. I feel like if I knew I was going to go through the pain I”ve gone through this past year again, I would kill myself. What if things go as badly  this year as the last? Then, I don”t think I want to come home and take a semester off, not again, then…well I would never get over it….I think I would just kill myself instead. The thought of my failsafe plan makes me feel a little better…and a little worse at the same time.

How did you fail before?  I”ve heard once before something like…failing is the only way we can ever get too the point of succeeding.  What is your support system like?  I hear a tinge of "All or Nothingness" in your words.  Could that be true?  Do you tend to be a "black and white" thinker in some areas of your life, in particular when it comes to how you think things should go?

Sometimes, I worry who will read these blogs I”ve written, someone who knows me, I mean. Will some "friend" come across the angry blogs they”ve inspired? Will my future employers be able to find me on this? Who reads these blogs and, if they can see my picture…can that forever tie me to my words in a way that will affect me publicly? I worry.

I hate to say it but it could happen just the way you have described above…But it”s highly unlikely and if you get even the slightest bit of benefit from writting these blogs, you should continue.  You are hanging by a thread is sounds like…what then, have you really got too lose?

I”m sorry if I have overstepped into your thoughts and life.  Don”t hurt yourself in even the smallest of ways…Seek out Gentle spirits too help you wade through some difficult times…You have so much ahead of you…I would hate for you too end up still hopeless after 20ty or 30ty more years because you didn”t commit fully to getting the help you need and fullly deserve now.

Love,

Don