Well i am feeling really fed up i have only just noticed the true cycle that is ruling my life – a cycle that so many people will be familiar with, even those who have never had a problem like the ones we go through.  It is the cycle where i believe with all my heart i am able to make a change, I am ready and about to.  But then something happens that is so insignificant that can just rob me of my time, energy, concentration and ultimately all my hope.  The emotion it evokes is of no relavance – it could be something that makes me upset, angry, anxious, happy or anything, but it still makes me loose focus and knocks me off the track.  I have screamed and shouted, begged and pleaded, hoped and longed for the time when everything will be just right, like the biblical lining of astronomical beings that would never happen, to act a signal to this perfect moment for me to seize.  And I have vowed time and time again that I would make the change and take that chance.  But now i fear i will never have the strength to make those changes, maybe i have lost too much to this illness and have lost something that cannot be regained.  I believe that it shouldn't take away and this and would only take away this much if you believe it can and if you let it, but in a low moment, it can be hard to shake that awful feeling of hopelessness.  Was i wrong to believe that i could be normal again.  I feel a small spark, like a twinkling light someway off in the distance, shines to me and shows me the way, that not all is lost and things will be better tomorrow, they always are.  Just have patience, and cling onto every last shred of hope you have, because it gets darker before it gets brighter; but my life is like the day, with bright sparkling moments that fade away to a greater length of darkness, that slowly and silently creeps up and slowly and eeriely creeps away, knowing it will return only a few hours away!