I feel so sad right now and I can’t seem to do anything to lighten things up. Usually when I feel down I clean, exercise collage and smoke…but nothing makes me feel any better…I feel so low and I know that I’ll be able to go on in the morning, but that almost makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like I’m sedating and ignoring my true feelings during the day…but at night I can really see myself and my life.

I feel like I won’t ever become anything, that I’ll never be good enough and I’ll always be alone when all I want is to be a part of something. I wonder a lot what people think when they see me. Can they see that I’m alone with no friends? Can they see that I don’t fit in and never have?

I’m scared that it’s almost summer, because 1)I’ll be alone all summer when people are out enjoying life with friends and 2) summer will inevitably lead to fall…and school. I don’t know how to go back. Will I return to those who betrayed me with the same feelings of resentment? Will I be ostricized by them because I couldn’t hack their tourment?

People say college is all about meeting people and how easy it is because there are so many people there. All I see is a group of cliques, a sea of people who have found their friends and don’t need anymore. How are you supposed to build up a foundation up on nothing and noone? How would it look if I literally had noone? I don’t know how my "old friends" are going to react to me coming back…Will they be weirded out because I withdrew last semester and because I’m going through this?

One of them had already disowned me for not telling her that I was severely depressed and it lead to an angry and awful resentment led by her and followed by everyone I thought I could count on. Now I can’t count on anyone, no matter how sorry they say they are, no matter how much time has passed. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust people the same way again. I’ve just seen this uglyness that can’t be erased.

I’ve already said to myself, in the back of my mind that if I go back and things don’t work out then I’ll kill myself. I can’t deal with that kind of pain again, and I can’t deal with the failure of withdrawing and coming back home again. That would just make me feel like more of a failure, even less normal. I’m scared to go back and do something that would break my mother’s heart.


1 Comment
  1. Seven 13 years ago

    Killing yourself would anihilate your Mom, so don”t even let it be an option if you are concerned about hurting her. 

     Most colleges have accomidations for students dealing with depression, but they don”t put it out there so you know about it.  Some school even have onsite therapists.  Are there any support groups for students?  It might feel better if you can talk to others going through similar situations.

    College is about the classes, the people are a side benefit or distraction.  If you make it all about the social life, and not about the work, then you are focusing on the wrong thing.   If you pin your happiness on others, you”ll always be let down.

    Your health is way more important than a few classes, and fake friends who don”t stand by you.  I”ve been struggling with college too.  It helps to remember that it is going to be 1 line on your resume.

      B.A. in __________

    That”s it. It won”t say didn”t go to parties, didn”t have a boyfriend, withdrew, or had a lousy time in english class. 

    Take care, and email me if you need some more support. 



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