'Sad' is not the word for my mood right now, really.  More like, I feel like i just don't even deserve to exist sometimes.  percy refuses to go to sleep, he's been playing this same stupid game for the last 4 months, i can't stand it, he just keeps getting out of bed and then crying and writhing around on the floor by the gate and i can't take it, and i keep putting him in bed silently like tv shows say to, and it doesn't work at all, he never gets bored of it, and i ask him nicely to stay in bed and that doesn't work, and then inevitably like now i just got angry but more than angry, i took his cup and threw it across the room and started shouting at him, and instantly he burst into tears and looked so pained so i'm there immediately cradling him and massaging his head trying to comfort him and then i'm there thinking all the while that i'm going to confuse the hell out of him by being this way but i CANT HELP IT and that's the part i can't stand, not him being a baby, i mean that's all it is, he's just being a normal baby, and i can't handle it, i literally can't handle it like half the time, and it's horrible, i feel like the most awful mother on the planet, like i'm just going to screw him up so badly, he's never going to understand why his mother's so screwed up, his own daddy doesn't really understand it, i feel so far away from everything and why oh why do i need to feel this way when just a couple minutes before that i was feeling just fine – a little frustrated but not that bad, and suddenly i'm practically crying, i mean get a grip vrinda what's wrong with you – well you know what's wrong with you but that doesn't help anything does it oh god oh god oh god i hate it so much sometimes, i just hate it so SO much and he's there at the gate again now, i can hear him through my headphones and i'm so scared right now to go over and put him back to bed because i feel like hitting him, really, if i'm being honest, and i refuse to do that ever, so i guess it's just better to leave him crying but god i feel like such a terrible parent, i don't know why anyone ever allowed me to have kids, what a f*cking mistake that was, i shouldn't be let within 20 feet of one, let alone allowed to raise one [br][br] breathe, breathe, breathe….

1 Comment
  1. Sany27 13 years ago

    I know how you feel and I've written to you so many times about it. I hate my self in those situations and my lack of control. I feel terribly guilty after and worry that I'm messing my kids up. I think you're a much better parnet then me as you don't hit and I have done that and it flashes in my mind and makes me feel so bad.

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