So it's been a difficult week with my HOCD….this morning right when I woke up it attacked me… and I gave into checking compulsions and so I looked at still picturesof "hot" men and women, and when I looked at the men, I felt attraction but it was like "He's good looking, I wish I had a body like that, etc." and with the women it was like physical and sexual attraction. A few minutes after, I started doubting what I felt and so I checked with porn (I'm mad at myself for falling back), the gay porn didn't really make me feel anything at all, other than anxiety and there was a slight groinal response which made me upset, then I looked at porn with only women in it and it turned me on completely and it made me happy, I felt like me again. Then doubt came in again,there are automatic thoughts that happen too, just like with my harm ocd which has been creeping back in. The automatic thoughts that happen with my HOCD happen whenever I look at a guy, any guy, and I feel anxiety, they are intrusive and unwanted I just wish they would stop they are the mass of my uncertainty, doubt. See here is the thing, I have always been attracted to women, I've had a few girlfriends and fewer sexual experiences I've always had anxiety about it, worrying I'm not attractive enough for women, I'm not good enough, etc. and these doubts have been damaging and caused me to not pursue some relationships it's been difficult. I still have these doubts and worries, more so lately because I stopped working out for awhile and have put on weight, etc. I'm always checking how I'm standing, moving, talking, etc. to see if it is "gay". Even now I'm worried I will never be able to be romantically involved with a woman again, I'm worried I've lost this, I have always felt it but it feels like it has disappeared or it's distorted and anytime I try to think about these romantic fantasies I've always had with women I get flooded by intrusive thoughts and it all gets ruined. I hate how it all feels so real. However today I went for a long bike ride and even during the bike ride I was checking by looking at people when I went by them etc. I couldn't even break it then, but when I got home after the bike ride my anxiety was lowered I think and I felt a bit better and I was checking still pictures again and it was better. I dunno, I guess I should take it day by day.


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