Here we go again…. Except somehow it seems different this time. I'm not freaking out about it, but…I am rather depressed over it. My best friend (who also has OCD) is saying that she's through with our friendship again. We haven't even known each other a year, and this has happened…oh, at least three or so times before. I guess this time it feels like it might be final because even a few days later, she's still saying it. And yet…she hasn't deleted me from any of our messengers, fb, etc. Of course, this was the first time I was the one who left first–I actually hung up on her on skype. (grrr, why does anxiety have to make me be such a jerk?!)
Will she come back? Who knows. That's in God's hands. I can't let myself get all messed up over it. There's nothing I can do that will make it better or worse, so might as well not be getting sick over it.
But here's the thing…I still do worry that maybe this really is final. But more than that, I start thinking about all the others I miss–the pets I've lost over the last few years. And it hits me again that they won't be coming back and it breaks me and makes me miserable. I have so many holes in me I'm sure if you're standing in front of me, you'll feel the wind that's against my back as if I weren't even there. I wanna die. (Don't freak out; I'm not gonna kill myself–I often wish to be dead, and yet I have never ever attempted to take my life.) I'm just so tired of going through this pain all the time. *sigh* And yet…life goes on. Whatever life is.
Hey, on the bright side, my writer's block is starting to lift! Yay! lol