Well i got some feedback from friends on my last blog, the reason I haven't blog was in hopes that other tribe members would share in their journey to recovery.. i only pointed out the facts in RELAPSE that its a process and you can really stop yourself from self destruction, anyway im not gonna stress the fact..Another thing that stood out was JJ's question to his why am i in recovery question, i'll be more than glad to share with everyone why im in recovery and why i haven't attended any NA meeting YET..
At first when I went to a detox center the beginning of last month it wasn't really cause I wanted to, it was the only solution to a ongoing 10 year addiction, long story short my girlfriend just had enough. I was just your average junkie now in a detox facility, being there opened my eyes to alot. I saw guys in there 30-40 years old but one guy who really stood out to me was a guy who just came straight from prison, i think he went on a 2-3 month run before he checked himself into the detox. He was coming off crack, meth dope alcohol he was just in bad shape. I saw that one morning and saved him a suboxone because i didn't need to take 2 of them. I'm sure it was after breakfast he didn't look so hot so I slipped him the pill he took it and felt better almost instantly. We get into conversation and he goes without this or the penn i'll never be clean, i just can't do it in the street by myself. I'm thinking to myself like wow addiction got its grips on this guy. I got out and i stayed clean for a little fast forward to my last relapse 2 weeks ago, i remember being high on NYC quality dope just saying to myself damn this is it huh? I let 20cc's of brown liquid defeat me again..
Waking up that day I told myself I've had enough, this has taken away 10 years of my life, before dope I had so much potential to do alot.. These 2 weeks hasn't felt like 2 weeks its felt like the beginning to something great. I'm getting myself into a great mindframe, things I've procrastinated I'm finally doing like going out and looking for work. Im not afraid to take those in office urine analyist. Before i'd drink a gallon of water to beat them drug test. I put on a good 10 lbs, im eating more often, spending quality times with the kids and my parents seem to be bitching less..I like the way things are and it only gets better long as I stay clean. You know I haven't been to a meeting yet only because I haven't found a place where I would be comfortable. I live in the sticks and they dont have meetings here in Jamestown NC so I have to go into High Point. Let me tell you HP didn't get its name for no reason they say "you come to the Point to get High" For me to open up to a group of people i have to somewhat trust em, im sharing my most inner, embarassing parts of my life with you, and im just not comfortable sharing information like that to some bum who was just begging me for beer money in there just so you can stay at the shelter for the night, not that im looking down on that person. I just have to be comfortable to do the step work with people.
Im in recovery for me 1st….I like the results from my sobriety and proving to myself that i can stay sober is all best reward of all
Kham, your new picture looks great. if there is no meeting in your area why not see if there is any other addicts around and see if they think you could start a meeting. if you request from NAWS they will send you a meeting starter kit. it's all in how you want to attack your disease. we cannot sit back and just let things roll. this is a true program of action. just not using is not going to get us on the road to recovery.
truly it only takes two addicts to start a meeting. the first 7 years of my recovery i started three meetings a week in a town of 8000. there were many nights it was just me and the coffee pot. i would open the doors, make coffee and read literature or the NA basic text. whan i visited alaska last sumer where i used to live. i had gone there to get my 20 year medallion, a old friend of mine was there. he was still clean after 13 1/2 years. he told me if it was not for me he would be dead. that truly warmed my soul. know ing that i had that much influence on his recovery. he also told me i saved his life.
i will not go through all the service positions i have held in my time in recovery but it is lengthy. you were 6 years old when i got clean. i used for 22 years and now i am coming up on 21 years clean. don't worry about what people think about you, worry about what you think about you. this is a selfish program and we do it for us and us only. nobody else matters. our lives in the journey of recovery is an inside job. we go to NA lengths to stay clean. we have got to go the distance or DIE. i have been through jails and institutions. 30 years ago to this very day i was sitting in an Alaskan prison for drug sales. i sat there for 587 days in a row. when i got out it took another 8 years to find Narcotics Anonymous. when i finally got here i realized that i was not alone in this battle. so stay clean and be good to yourself.
Your brother in Recovery 4 life,
JJ