2017 was a rough year for me. I relapsed into depression after a triggering time and some things became rapidly clear once I started healing. Family used to be everything to me since I’m estranged from so many those I had left was a large sum. As of 2017 I cut out 90% of my remaining family on both my parents side. I had three cousins (theyre sisters) who I reconnected to due to a fallout with my mom and my aunt as well as their mother. When the second eldest got pregnant unexpectedly it brought us all together. Since we weren’t kids anymore we made the choice to reconnect. It worked for a few years until after my first book came out. I was having a small get together for the book and no one invited showed up. Triggering my trust and abandonment issues that sent me falling into a deep depression. I cut them out of my life as they remain oblivious that they may have done something to me.
On my dad’s side, my great aunt and her family was all I had left. That was until I realized how unhealthy the entire relationship was. I had blinders on and was too dependent on making sure that I did everything right to please her until I couldn’t anymore. Until everything I was doing to live my own life was a disappointment. It started with me not walking for my high school graduation. I had endured a decades worth of sever bullying that nearly destroyed my self worth. By the time senior year came I was ready to run as soon as I had all the credits to do so. Choosing to be an author was a massive disappointment for her although my books are the reason why I’m alive. She plainly insulted my career without evening realizing she was. Three books later and she has no idea I’m published because I never told her.
Two years ago, having a big family was so important but now? I think I’m just jaded enough to be an asshole where if want to pick me apart then you won’t be in my life. I won’t allow people in my life that make me feel I need approval or be dependent on. People who make me hid parts of my life because they don’t care. I had to go through something traumatic (again) to finally see clearly.