i got a call today from my Mom. I was with Alana, taking her home. i missed the call and listened to the voice mail. i knew right away from the tone in her voice that something was wrong. I had Alana listen to the messege. My stepdad (who i have had issues with but still care about), had to be taken to the E.R from work. he was having massive chest pains. he currently has atleast 3 stints in his heart and has had 2 previous heart attacks. during one he died and they revived him. the other one wasnt quite as bad , but he has a serious heart condition that his father had and died young from. he will have to keep getting stints as his arteries in his aorta keep clogging(to which there is NO cure), it\'s part of the disease. excercise would be good but wouldnt stop the clogging. at anyrate, they are keeping him over night, and are going to do a catherazation in the morning and may need to put a stint in or maybe open one that closed. (if you dont know, a stint is something that is inserted through a major artery in the leg and put in the clogged artery in the heart to hold it open. it is a relatively safe procedure, however there are ofcourse risks, especially that he is in terrible shape. we don\'t even know for sure if he had a heart attack tonight (yesterday) or not. they have to wait for his heart doctor to come in and compare his EKG results from yesterday and see how they match up with his old ones to see if he did.

my Mom is scared to death. she needs someone there with her. i feel like i just left and abandon her and my other few close family members. it may sound pathetic but she has never had to spend a night alone in her whole life…just the way it worked out…there was just always someone there at the house. kind of circumstancial. but i was always the person that she is the closest with and i feel like i need to be there for her. the guilt is killing me.

also, and yes i know this is selfish, but if something happens to my stepdad she will lose her house and have to be alone and find something to rent somewhere. she has worked the same factory job for over 30 years to support all of her 3 boys. she has always been there for us. and she had to deal with my alcoholic dad (who i love, but screwe all of our heads up). i know i am getting way ahead of myself here but i cant stop my mind from going there. i don\'t care how this sounds, but i don\'t know how she will cope on her own if it happens. i\'m so worried about her and my stepdad and i should be there for my Mom especially.

Ofcourse i wish the best for my stepdad as well. yea, we had our problems but i do care alot about him and just want him to be ok. i am not religiuos and i just cant be. (too much to explain). but if you don\'t mind, anyone who feels up to it..it would be great if you could say a few words for him, i would really appreciate it:)

but my guilt goes much further than just my Mom. my nephews and niece who are 11, 8, and 6. (nephews than niece) miss the hell outta me. and i miss them. i practically raised my oldest nephew. i helped to reshape his life in a positive way as he was going downhill fast. i taught him to tie his shoes, play sports, morality, and so so much more. i told him i would always be there for him. we talk every friday on the phone, and he always offers me his savings or $60+ dollars to buy a plane ticket to come out and see him. this rips my sould in 2. i love him to death but i cant go out there even if i could afford it, which i cant. so i told him i would always be there, and now im not(and i dont lie???), how is that not a lie? am i such a moral person after all?

and my other nephew and niece are just the sweetest kids ever(lol, i\'m not being biast(maybe just a little). but i talk to them on skype, and they also want to see me so bad. they always ask me when i will come and see them. and all i can say is just as soon as i can. i need to be there to take my oldest nephew for our long walks and have serious talks about life or just have fun, to play baseball with him, etc. i need to be there to take both of my nephews fishing…even my niece likes to go (and she is the cute princess type). i need to give them all hugs and just hold them tight. i need to hug my mom. to see my brother and hug him, my dad, my grandma who is suffering from parkinsons, just everybody. life is so hard out here, but i\'m trying my damndest to accomplish my goals and dreams, and i\'ve got some great support from Alana, and my therapist and such. but everything is gettting to me and i am sinking further and further.

ofcourse i wish m


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