I’m not really healthy, I’m just waiting, fooling myself into thinking it will fall into my lap. I realize this, can’t help or stop it, I hate it. It is a hole the hole that was ripped open last year. The one that was never compeletly closed in the first place.
I fill my need with people instead of myself. I look for security but eventually find it with people and not ultimately with myself. I can tell, I’ve transfered a lot of the stress I have over being accepted by old friends to the new guy "in" my life, Alex. I look, and I wonder when I wil mess it up, if I haven’t already. I don’t trust him, I don’t trust myself. I hate heaving my emotions into hoping things will work out. If my track record is any example, this will be the exception, not the rule. I look at him unintentionallly as the answer to my problems of feeling left out by others. With him, he wants me, he wants to be around me, for now. I already get thoughts, "don’t rely on this, because it won’t be around much longer". I want to cry thinking not of specifically losing him but losing the only security I have/had. Pathetic
Add to the stress of not knowing where things are with Alex (is he getting sick of me? does he sincerely like me?boyfriend?) that mom is coming this weekend. Should be a reliever, but since things are in this weird limbo with Alex making me feel less like a loser things are moderately ok with "friends". Am possibly drinking with them this sat for the game for the first time, but realize, cannot leave mom to try and stabalize things in my college life. Cannot explain to her that the chances I get here, they don’t come back, and when she’s gone sunday, I have to fend for myself here. Feel awful.
Makes me stressed and sad on top of work and alex and friends. Cannot relax, have increased smoking to 2 packs a week, throat getting sore and stress getting less and less relieved. Don’t know how to make things better/ okay it feels like they’ll never be okay. Once mom is here, then she’ll be gone again. I feel like if things are bad by the time she leaves, I wont see any beacon of hope to go on. Semester’s end seems so far away and so is the idea of transfering. I don’t feel right anywhere. When I got here, could look forward to at worst, seeing mom in 3 weeks, now three weeks have past, and I don’t know how to deal with the fact that after this I’m on my own. Cannot reschedule, will never be the right time, can never manage it. Hate it, want to die, hate living, forcing myself to go on, I don’t feel like I/it is worth it. How different it must look from the outside.