I feel like I\'m distancing myself from my feelings again. I\'m trying to be aware of what I\'m doing, which is going into survival mode. I wish it was more that I was happy. I am excited…genuinely, about my school prospects. I just need a few minutes to vent a bit.
Group is not what I thought it would be so far. The people are great, but every week I still feel like I don\'t know what is okay to work on or not. On top of that I feel like there is a bit of seniority or seasoned-ness that is required to cry, share, or comment about other people\'s work. No one has directly said anything to me, so it\'s probably me just being scared of their judgement. Which is totally backward from the whole premise of the group! Which kinda makes me laugh at myself. It just occured to me that I\'m getting really wrapped up in my feelings, stress and body discomfort. I\'m working up to another panic attack if I don\'t knock it off. But there have been a lot of events going on lately and I\'m on sensory overload in a way. Deaths, friends/family getting pregnant or having babies, financial concerns, applying for school, and even trying to make myself feel okay that another Oregon winter is on it\'s way. Still anxious about being good enough for well established friendships and relationships.
I\'ve been listening to a great little book on tape called, "The Purpose of Your Life" by Carol Adrienne. I really love it because everything she says inspires and resonates with me, and helps me chastize myself in a gentle enough way. It helps me to understand more about myself and put words to concepts I have been able to vocalize. Which makes me feel really justified, accepting, and hopeful. It takes more about synchronicities, which have really been on my mind lately. There\'s an underlying theme in my mind lately about opening yourself to the universe more. Knowing that things will come my way if I am open…anyway…trying to word it here makes my brain tired. But I relate to the message. It will help me with affirmations and perseverance.
Oh, so yeah…on the topic of babies. Last December I made a decision to go off birth control, I was in a huge "now or never" feeling about getting pregnant. So I talked to my husband about it and didn\'t get my next shot. Now that I\'m working through things differently and planning on going to school, I decided to give myself a little more room/time and get back on BC. So, I talked about it with my husband and he was really open and understanding about it. Another underlying feeling is that if I haven\'t gotten pregant by now I guess my body doesn\'t want to be pregnant. There\'s a lot of pressure from people close to me (not my husband) who are excited to get me popping out babies. And now I\'m nervous about telling them that I\'m going to be back on BC(namely my best friend who just announced she is pregnant). I\'m a little jealous too actually. I\'ll say it here. She\'s only been off BC for a couple months and already it\'s locked and loaded! I\'m happy for her. Lately, in my mind I\'ve been trying to resign myself to being the "cool aunt" again. I\'ve been saying it to people a lot lately, I think to reassure them that I\'m not pregnant and let them know I\'m tough and not sad about it. Now that I\'m typing it here, it\'s really bringing up emotions. I just never want to be a baby hungry, crazy woman…so I don\'t even let myself have ANY feelings. Even feelings that are totally natural and justified. Why does everything have to be extremes with me?
Thanks for listening.