Today has just been another one of those neurotic, desperate, dream filled/hopeless, scared days.
My will is only strong part of the time. I can drive myself so hard and put all the bad aside. Tell myself as crappy as i feel everyday. As hopeless as it all seems, If i just keep working harder and fighting i can make it. Things will be good one day. I'll be doing what i love. Striving to be better. Learning from my mistakes (hopefully not making many more) and maybe one day discover i can be content with being alone.
Then. The other times. My darker half. I wallow in the past. The evil deep down and cold twisted depths of my mind . I become frozen in whatever position i was caught in. I can barely move. Lose my will to try and live. Everything is in slow motion. Watching the montage of my life. Realizing i wan't no more of this. It hurts so much. I can't even find the right words to decribe it all. Then i envision all the painfull, bloody, much deserved ways i can take my life. Flush it all away so i just stop existing. Sure, all the few good things go. But so does all the overwhelming bad. I know god doesn't exist. I don't fool myself into thinking there's something more after. Just a few minutes of a different kind of agony and it could all be over.
It's so hard to do this alone. I look at the faces of these cheerful satisfied people and i get sick. I want to start bawling and screaming from frustration. Not at their success. But at my failure. My inability to feel like that.
This isn't a mindset. It's a fucking curse. It's a mix of the nightmare past/dreadful future/and a malfunctioning brain. Incapable of really feeling anything. I know deep down that when i am "hopeful" it's just because i'm distracted for the moment on working hard and very very temporarily forget. But that small "up" is so short lived that it is really not worth it.
I start thinking that it doesn't matter what the future holds, i will always feel like this. Think these things.
People have always told me it gets better. Easier. I want to know where they get this sage wisdom. Just because things got easier for them? (which is not true half the time because they are either naive. drunks or drug users or the well off. In my experience.) But yet none of them really know what i go through. Sure what they read about, hear about. But they don't understand the pain. The struggle. So it's hard to take advice from those who know not what they speak and those who don't know me and my head.
Don't tell me i don't want to feel better. That i don't try. Everyday is a goddamn war. I have to force myself to do anything that is for the future. Because there's that part of me (a huge part) that says "why? is it even worth living till next week? you probably won't anyway so fuck it". But no. i do it. Because i want to wake up one day. Feeling well. I have to motivate every single action i take, despite how repugnant the consideration feels.
I know if you work hard enough, your aspirations can come to fruition. Trust your mind and yourself. Not just wishing for things but taking action. And that's what i do. I just don't want to anymore. The good rarely outweighs the bad. Days like today i'm so tempted to drink it all away. Or go back to any of my past self destructive escapes. Fighting myself is too hard and too much.
For now…I keep going. Hopeful/Hopeless. I just need one real reason, a legitimate one, to keep trying. I need it so bad. Something worth fighting for.