My life as a human is really full of challenges and ups and downs. Some background of my histories, adopted son when I was a baby, been told that I was adopted when I was about seven, got raged as I remember and cried saying that I want to leave the house. Even though my parents are really good parents but sometimes there are still flaw. Even myself, I do have flaw. My dad, a person who does not give responsibilities to the house. Just a basic necessity, guess this is his lifestyles. Sometimes he won't even know what University or graduates I am or even what I work as. He would even lie to his co-workers that I am a doctor and my mom a teacher (which she is a house-wife). He smokes a lot and he does not even think of the financial status. What if I were to loose my job and get stranded. He never thought of that.
My mom, although a bit better than him but still sometimes, she just talked a lot. Even though every time, when I have good thoughts of doing good things for them but then when I come back home. Seeing their way of doing things I just feel down. I really feel bad about myself. I tried my best to be a good son and I promise myself to take care of them in terms of financial and hopefully other stuffs. As a breed winner for the family it is tough.
My brother, their real son, just know to take care of his own family. He lives with his own family. He does not support his own parents. But of course he does help out my mom on certain things like taking her to visit doctors and so forth. That I am glad as I need to concentrate on my work to earn money for them.
Sometimes, I feel as if I have deep karma bond with them that I need to repay in this lifetime. Knowing my own status as HIV Positive is really tough but I won't give up as long as I know there is hope to look forward.
Taking care of this family, especially cleaning up the house during weekend after long weekday, which my mom would not do is really a burden to me. But still I will do it as I feel I have the obligation to do so. This is not easy. My dad, keeps on asking me for my razor, why? Because he wants to re-use it. I just could not understand why, you need to be in this state to just re-use it. I told him I can get him a new one, and once he scolded me. Gee…. Then just only I realized that I throw away one of my razor in the rubbish bin. He went to pick it up and use it, when I saw it in the living room. I told him, you know what I use it for? Shaving my butt. Gee…. sometimes. I really do not know what to do.
Just want to let out my feelings as this is the only place I could let go of my feelings. I know I feel bad about myself but for this new year, I have resolute to change and be a better person.