It’s past midnight and I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking that I wish I wasn’t sexually assaulted. It’s just this intrusive thought that I keep having now, about wishing that I was never assaulted and this thought just comes up again and again like a broken record. I can’t get it out of my mind, just wishing I never met you and wishing that I was never raped. I know this thought pattern is not productive for trying to go to sleep, but I feel like I have no control over it and I just really can’t get it out of my head right now.
It’s either that or thinking about how I don’t understand how someone could sexually assault someone else. Specifically, I don’t understand how you did what you did while I was screaming and crying. Like… did you have no compassion? Did you just tune that out and just continue what you were doing?
It makes me think you were just a monster. It really baffles me.. to think how you could do that, knowing that I was in pain and you just continued what you were doing with no regard to my feelings. But I guess it just shows that you clearly were really messed up and you didn’t care about me.
I mean… I’ve heard that rape is about power. I guess you were trying to show that you had power. You always wanted to have power in the friendship; you always wanted me to do what you said. But I never expected that you would take it that far, to where you would rape me.

But I just don’t know.. I still can’t believe you did that to me. Like I know it happened, but it’s hard to accept that it happened. I don’t think I will ever accept that, you know? To accept that something so traumatic happened to me? How am I supposed to accept that? I just don’t know.

I guess in a way I’m grieving. I’m grieving the life I could have had had you not raped me. I think life would be much different. I wouldn’t have so much anxiety. I hate to think like that, because I feel like it’s not realistic.. it’s not realistic to think about life in another way. What happened has happened. I don’t have a time machine.. I know I can’t go back in time and prevent what happened.

But it’s hard to accept what happened.. it’s hard to think that it happened. It’s hard to accept that I experienced that. It’s hard to not wish that things had been different. It’s hard to not think about a different life.. like a life without trauma. I don’t want to think of myself as a victim. It makes me feel powerless and vulnerable.

I don’t know what to do right now. I’m in therapy. I see a psychiatrist. But I feel like I’ll never be able to escape this trauma; It feels like it is always going to haunt me. The rape happened 10 years ago, but it still feels so fresh and frightening. I feel frightened, confused, betrayed, sad, and angry. But most of all, I feel broken. I feel like I can’t trust people.

And I wrote all this, but I still can’t sleep because I’m thinking about how I feel so messed up because of the trauma and I don’t know how I will ever recover from this.