My life has taken a rapid downfall. I lost the love of my life. He left me cause of my pill addiction, he was perfect!Moved back in with my parents. Lost my job. Have wrote bad checks. My car has been repo'd. Did I mention, I lost the love of my life?
Oh, and while I was pregnant.. My best friend OD'd off the same shit I am doing.. Talk about a fucked past couple of years.. & At this rate.. Its only going to get worse.
December 17th, 2014.
Finally hit that breaking point. To the point I didn't think I could take it any more.
I woke up to my joyous 2.5 year old. Bouncing with joy. Because, "Mommy, is morning. I hungry. I want cereal. & I want to watch Mickey Mouse." I looked at him with anger. "Ok Zayden." At this moment.. I just couldnt. I didn't know how I was getting my fix this day. I was already headed towards bad withdrawals. As I slammed the bowl on the counter. Made his cereal. Put on Mickey Mouse. & Threw my self in the recliner. Z walked up to me.. With a big smile, & a huge hug (despite my nasty attitude) these precious words came out of my boys mouth. "Thank you Mommy. I love you sooooooo much." & He gave me a kiss.
I proceeded to the hook where my parents spare car keys hang. GONE. Not there. What the fuck!? I don't know how I am going to get money.. But now I don't even have a vehicle to make shit happen. Furious.. I texted my dad.. "Great, I am stuck in this house ALL day with a 2.5 year old.. No smokes & No vehicle." He responded. "You did this to your self Crystal.. I don't trust you anymore. You do nothing but let us down. You have no consideration for any one. Sometimes instead of taking the truck.. If you would call me & let me know what your going to do other than just taking it upon your self to go where ever the hell you want.. You would not be in this situation.. But baby, Nate (Z's father, love of my life) Will be there at 10 AM to get Z. I put $10 on the debit card.. So if you wantyou can go get some cigs." Instead of saying I understand, thank you for at least giving me cigarette money. My selfish ass responds. "Thanks a lot. You expect me to walk 2 miles for some cigarettes.. When you could of easily let the keys & I would have a ride!?"
Its at this moment I knew something had to give. My parents were consistently asking me what was going on. They would help me in any way they could. They wouldn't judge. Please just talk, let it out.
Nates parents came & picked up Z. As I looked at my son for this last moment. "I love you baby, I will see you in a couples days!" He responded "I love you Mommy. I be a good boy, Santa coming! See you soon." I am reflecting… Santa's coming? From where? How? Mommy has no money. What am I going to do?Since Z was 3 months old.. I have been addicted to pills. & Now on top of that, I don't have a job. What the fuck? How am I going to give my child a Christmas? Why wont my parents get off my ass? My life is a living hell. I hate living like this..
My Dad texts me. "You know I love you.. No matter what, right?" I couldn't take it any more.. I have tried multiple times my self to quit these DEVILISH pills. I can't do it, obviously. 2 & a half years of misery is long enough. I had plenty of excuses why I was hooked on 'em… But what does that really matter?At that moment I gave in. & It was the best decision of my life. & YES, I am saying that on day 1. I know its not going to be easy. But you have got to start somewhere.
I broke. I replied to my father. "I need help. That's right. I fuckin' said it. I NEED HELP. I am sick as fuck, I can't keep doing this any more." He responded. " I will be done on this job in about 2 hours. I am coming home. Thank you baby girl. You don't know what this means to me." 4 looooong miserable hours go by & my withdrawals are really starting to set in. He finally gets home. What do I do? What do I say? I am a failure. I cant believe I have put my family through this. He walks in puts his arms around me. Instantly both in tears. All he could bare to say is "Thank you. I love you." Over & over & over again. & All I could get out is "I'm so so sorry."
Finally get our acttogether. "What's next baby what do we do!?" So here were are trying to find a doctor that does the suboxone program.. Finally I find one. "We are not taking new patients." Ohhhh my GOOOOOD. "Let me see what I can do." Longer story short after 2 hours of back in forth with the doctors office & my insurance. I got an appointment. Thursday, December 18th, 2014 at 11 AM.
Now sick as hell.. How am I going to get through the night? I can't theres no way.. I want one last pill. I talk my dad into running me to my connect.. With his money.. To get me one last fix! I promised him this would be it. I get home. Cook dinner.. & Just think about what life has in store for me. What I am about to go through. How long & curvy this road ahead of me is really about to be. My mom comes home from work.. I am thinking ahhhh shit, here we go. (My mother & I have a real rocky relationship.) She hugs me.. Thanks me.. "I love you baby. I just want my Crystal back. We will do whatever it takes.."
I call it an early night. Tomorrow is going to be miserable.. I hope I can really pull through with this!
December 18th, 2014
I wake up, withdrawals settling in. It's 10:30 AM. My appointment is in 30 minutes. I get a text from Daddy. "I am on my way home to get you, get out of bed sleepy head!" How can a man, that has raised me for 23 years be so humble & loving in a situation like this? As I am hating life. Thinking of how I can get another pill. Oh, if I go do this.. I could get the Subs & trade them out…
I go to the Doctor.. Dreading the whole visit. Now I have to go to counseling!? Greatttt.Walk out with a script of 2 8 mg strips a day. For the next 2 weeks.. After next visit, in 2 weeks.. I only have to come back every month.. I do the math.. If I sell my 30 Subs for $15 each I will have $450.. WOW!
We get to Walmart. As we are waiting on my script walking around. My father stops mid tracks.. Looks at me.. "I love you so much. This is the best Christmas present I could ever ask for." I'm now thinking. This is real. I have got to do this. Now sitting at the pharmacy waiting. (I live in a small town!) A friend of mine from high school walks up! "Crystal HEY! How are you? You staying out of trouble?" All I could do was laugh.. If you knew how bad off this guy was.. My lord.. I know a junkee is a junkee. But damn.. In shorter words.. I am prescribed 2 8 mgstrips a day.. He was prescribed 4 12 mg pills a day. I explained the situation to him.. We sat there & talked for about 30 minutes. "Crystal, stick to it. Lord knows if I can do it. You can too."
I hear my name. "Ms. P***, your script is ready!" I told my old friend bye. As soon as I got my script.. I busted one out. Took it. Handed my dad the box. "Daddy, I don't trust my self just yet. If you could put these in your safe.. & Every morning put 2 on my dresser. Just so I don't have the temptation." His reply.. (With tears in his eyes.) "I was hoping you would say that. Your making me prouder & prouder as the day goes on."
During our ride home.. Not even craving. I thought of a pill. It didn't even seem good. I had no interest. At that moment if one was laid in front of me.. I wouldn't have touched it. I smiled.. So big. That cheesy smile a 7 year old gets when he walks out to the tree Christmas morning & he sees the bike he has wanted for the past 4 months, which seems like 2 years to a kid that age. Dad says, "I haven't seen a smile like that out of you in forever." I looked at him, "Daddy, I was so ready for this. You have no idea."
We went by the phone store, changed my number. No old people hitting my phone to help 'em out, or find them a deal! As soon as I walk out.. I call my counselor. Appointment for January 7th. I was dreading counseling earlier right??? Once I hung up the phone I was a little upset that that was thier earliest opening! Funny how life works!
The rest of today has been perfect. Do I feel great? No, but I am enjoying the smallest things that have been over looked the past 2.5 years!
Ive been unemployed for a year, minus 2 months inbetween. (In which was my dream job! & I fucked that up because of these damn pills. $14 an hour with a $2 raise after 90 days. Crazy benefits. No college needed. [Fuckin' insane right!?])But,Already today, I have pulled up my resume & tweeked it. Got it ready for some applications! We will work on thosetomorrow! 🙂
Soooo, heres the start to my journey! I have relapsed 4 times. Heres the start to my 5th, & hopeful final attempt.
I am new to this site, these blogs I will start writing.. I hope they help someone, or someone can relate.
Just as much as these are for my own recollection.
Your story really hit me hard. I came to this site because I'm an alcoholic but hide it very well. I'm a father to a 6 year old boy and a 10 year old girl. I wanted to name my girl Crystal because my last name is Glass 🙂
As I read your story I definitely felt your pain but realized as a father, if I keep going the same way I can't possibly help my kids if they run into issues. My parents and my wife know exactly what is happening to me but they won't mention it. That makes it easy for me to keep drinking. However, I see the effects lately that it has had on my family and I'm getting worried.
I want to be the Daddy your father is to you. I thank you so much for your story and wish you the best of luck. It's hard, most times impossible, but every time I reach for a drink know I'll be thinking about your Dad and you.
Brian,
Thank you for your comment!
Put tears in my eyes.
I told myself while writing it, if I help one person, my job is done!
My Daddy is my life saver! YOU CAN DO IT!
Set your mind to it & think of your kids. 5 days clean. & Would not trade it for the world.
I already notice a difference in my attitude toward not only my life, but my child too!
GOOD LUCK!!!
How are you feeling? I just joined this site and your post was the first thing I read. I hope you're doing good with the wds.
And believe me, I understand. I have a 14 yr old son that won't talk to me bc of my addiction. My 4 yr old knows no better so he still does. I struggle everyday but I have to believe it will get better. I am 37 and had to move in with my mom bc I lost my job and my husband (I'm ok with that part. He didn't believe in for better or worse, obviously). But I think it was all to wake me up. And it did. I'm 229 days today….
I am 25 days clean today!
& I am OH, so happy!
Theres still a lot I have to accomplish, But I am so much further than where I was at!
Ya know?
You are a lot further than me, so dont give up! It will be a year before you know it!
My only issure right now is my anxiety.
Its crazy! Just watching action movies. I have to pause it to control my self.
& Keep faith with your kids!
Powerful stuff!! Every Emotion that can be produced has just jumped off the screen and made me feel verry humbled, Thank You!! I'm back off my 4th relapse but on a totally different playing field than I was and its because of the surrender I've had, It sounds as though you've reached that place too!! I thought I was a hopless case coz I kept going back. "The devil had me on his list as he owned my soul" But something happened when I opened up truly and gave every part of me with sincerety to another recovering addict. F**k me it was the best thing thats ever happened to me. I'm currently in a recover project and going through an amazing process and loving every minute of it. I've got my family phoning me up on a daily basis with hope in their voise and the belly laughs have been unbelievable. Feeling alive and free and I wouldn't change it for the world. I hope you're finding your liberation and enjoying what life brings when we dont pick up coz together, (ANYTHINGS POSSIBLE) well done and keep it going coz it can only get better 🙂
I could lie and say it gets easier but it doesn't. I don't crave anymore which is good but I still think of all that I have lost because of addiction. People tell you what you can lose but I guess you never think that could be me. You know? Some don't have to hit rock bottom to get clean. Some, like myself, do. I had the chance to sober up when I still had everything and I chose to live in denial and let everyone believe I was clean. Now I just have to fight the depression and guilt. I pray that one day that will get better. I am starting a new job tomorrow and I pray that will help with the depression. I talked to my 14 year old today and maybe that helped? He has so much angerr that he just gets mad when we talk. I can't keep living in the past but it's so hard to see a future.
Hang in there. You've got 27 days under your belt! That's so big. So big. At 27 days I was not being as positive as you. Kick addiction in the ass and move forward. We can and will do this….
Anxiety is going to kill me!!
I am just trying to find a job!
I have gotten my self down to one strip a day, instead of 2..
I REALLY want to live SOBER. But dont want to rush it!!
Hope you guys are still doing great.