Hi all….i haven't posted anything in quite awhile…but tonight i really need some other people in recovery and this is the only way i can get it….i had a little over 2 yrs clean for the first time in my life and that ended last September, I think, or August…& now I'm just coming back with 3 days…I am living with my parents…again…for the umpteenth time since I "left" home….I am  41 & have literally nothing to show for my life…well, i did some pretty amazing things when I stayed clean those 2 yrs…but now, I have a brand new baby…2 mos old…absolutely beautiful, just an angel…and her father has yet again kicked me out because I used again…he has given me many chances to stop and stay stopped…before the 2 yrs clean there was almost 2 yrs of just constant relapsing…I say that I never was clean long enough to call it a relapse before…it was just never getting clean, period…but this is definitely a full blown relapse after some really decent clean time and i feel like shit!!!!  I've torn apart my family…i don't know if my baby's daddy is ever going to want me back…& i certainly don't blame him if he doesn't….but that means that my tiny infant daughter wont have a family with a mommy and a dadddy…she'll be just like so many others who have joint custody arrangements & that sucks!!!!!  Well, I have 3 days clean & the most important thing for me to do right now is just to worry about today…its 10:25 and i am certain that I'll be clean for the rest of today…tomorrow I'll wake up & ask God to help me again for tomorrow….i know what to do i just have to do it!  get to a meeting, get phone numbers, get a sponsor & work the steps!!!  right now I'm sort of in "rehab" at my parents without a car or cell phone because those things would just make it too easy to keep using….& i really don't want to keep using….despite all evidence to the contrary, i really do love my baby and her father but nothing i've done for the past 9 months shows any indication of that….my heart is absolutely broken that I relapsed & did this now, not only to myself, but to her….anyway, just reaching out, thanks