I'm alive and sort of well.

Working alot, and just coping with working and people.

Had a few bad weeks… got rear ended… then the following friday I slammed my thumb in the rental car door…

My car is back, but needs a new bumper… the insurance company sucks.

My thumb is ok, but I still have stiffness and pain in it as well as my wrist and hand and fingers… I pulled back while it was stuck between the doors, and gave myself a deep contusion… which is like a bruise I guess.  Needless to say… it sucks.

Lots of bad luck lately.  Even my cat got in on the suckyness… she is only four and she had a bladder infection.  It's rare in a cat her age, but she's ok… taking medication and getting better.

I stopped talking to Russ, married guy, at the beginning of September.  No more phone calls… no more emails… all connection was dropped.  I know it's good for me… and I know it was way passed time that I did it.

I have went out on two dates in the last month or so.  One not so good, one that was pretty nice.  The not so good date involved too much wine, and a guy who now doesn't like me too much.  He thought I was jerking him around and thus wasting his time because I 'scheduled' dates (one date) and couldn't make it.  Screw him.

The other date, the good one was really fun.  It's someone I work with, and I'm being cautious.  I found out he dated the girl who trained me in, and has since quit the company.  I would like this guy as a friend… which is what I think we are.  The day I fucked up my thumb I was supposed to have a second date with him… movies at his place and meeting his twin brother and his almost sister in law.  I was very very upset that I fucked that up.  I had been looking forward to it.

Anyways… I'm trying to be open to people… it's tough though.  I still shut down… I still find myself skirting around the edges of whatever this is called… this life I live.  It sucks.  I just want to feel normal and like I can belong.  I find myself talking to people, and when I'm left to my own devices I will shut myself away instead of joining.  It's not what I want… I just feel like even after they've accepted me… they will end up rejecting me in the end.  I really hate it.

As always, I'm sorry I've not been around.  I won't make promises… I just hope to try to be here more than I have been.