I feel so awful today.
I havent slept in ages. I just seem to lie awake constantly.
Last night, i took myself to bed early – well, my friend told me too. and instead of sleeping I lay thier thinking, thinking and thinking.
I couldnt stop weighing things up in my mind, i have to write it here, because if I tell anyone in real life they will drag me straight back to the hospital and worry more. I dont want to go there.
I just dont see the point in living, it sounds silly, but I don’t. I am sick to death of feeling this way and I think that it would be easier to just not exist. When i think about it, I will probably be dead in 40 years or so anyway, I have already lived 21, i will have to do what I have done twice over… I cant do that! When I think about how small and insignificant I am to the world, and about time as a whole… my life is nothing. And, why be sad and happy and sad and sad, have to watch the people i love die and go through days in a self loathing state when I could just have it all be gone now?! I know people will be sad when I die, don’t get me wrong, but… people get over it. I have got over the deaths of some of my family and friends… people will get over me. It all comes back to time. I fucking hate time.
This is all I can think of, but after my episode the other night I am keeping shut and not telling anyone for the sake of a tiny bit of my sanity.
I dont want to live on tablets the rest of my life and without them, i am totally hopeless and I go mad.
The thing is, I am a young 21 year old pretty girl with a lot going for me… but this depression bipolar thing is taking everything away for me. I should be out getting drunk seeing friends. Not being like this!!!