I feel so awful today.
I havent slept in ages. I just seem to lie awake constantly.
It’s frustrating.

Last night, i took myself to bed early – well, my friend told me too. and instead of sleeping I lay thier thinking, thinking and thinking.
I couldnt stop weighing things up in my mind, i have to write it here, because if I tell anyone in real life they will drag me straight back to the hospital and worry more. I dont want to go there.

I just dont see the point in living, it sounds silly, but I don’t. I am sick to death of feeling this way and I think that it would be easier to just not exist. When i think about it, I will probably be dead in 40 years or so anyway, I have already lived 21, i will have to do what I have done twice over… I cant do that! When I think about how small and insignificant I am to the world, and about time as a whole… my life is nothing. And, why be sad and happy and sad and sad, have to watch the people i love die and go through days in a self loathing state when I could just have it all be gone now?! I know people will be sad when I die, don’t get me wrong, but… people get over it. I have got over the deaths of some of my family and friends… people will get over me. It all comes back to time. I fucking hate time.

This is all I can think of, but after my episode the other night I am keeping shut and not telling anyone for the sake of a tiny bit of my sanity.

I dont want to live on tablets the rest of my life and without them, i am totally hopeless and I go mad.

The thing is, I am a young 21 year old pretty girl with a lot going for me… but this depression bipolar thing is taking everything away for me. I should be out getting drunk seeing friends. Not being like this!!!

4 Comments
  1. aloneandlonely 12 years ago

    The only part of your blog I agree with is the last paragraph! You do have some things going for you, and u are fighting. I am 43 and have suffered since I was 18, can u believe it? I should definately be dead by now. I really don’t even know what keeps me alive, but I did have a few good moments since 21. Guess I am not much help here, but it would be great to think that u could find a way out of this depression that I have been imprisioned in for my whole life.

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  2. LJ 12 years ago

    I will be 44 in less than a month. I have had depression pretty much all my life. But that has not stopped me from having a career i love. and Two wonderful children whom I now live for. I have been happy and I have been sad. But I cant say that I look back on my life and remember the sad times. Oh sometimes they creep up, like now, and I have to fight to ge the darkness to go away. But it does go in time.

    And I am here to tell you that you are wrong when you say people will get over your death. You do not ever get over the loss of a child. I assume you have parents. And the loss of a young life is not easily understood at any time but it is  incomprehensible when that death is a suicide. The  should have, could have, and  would haves that your family will live through will never end for them.  Do not condem them to this hell on earth.

    Please hang in, do what you need to do to get better, but please dont give into the darkness. You have so many people here who care about you and are here to help you as much as we can. Let us help you be strong when you dont feel like you can be.       Please be safe.    LJ

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  3. bozworth 12 years ago

    21 years old.  What I wouldn’t give to be your age!  Find a reason to live, hobbies, book clubs, single groups, join a gym,  bingo ( ha ha) … I don’t know. ?? Get up and out there, girl you are young, hot and ready to have a good time… you just need to find that good time.  Do you have a boyfriend? Call a friend you haven’t talked to in months.  Find new positive friends if your friends suck now.  I have seen your blogs in the past and never commented on them until today, you seem really fun, just bored.  You are not hopeless and trying to reform your frame of mind will help.  I find it sad that you have to hide how you are feeling so you don’t end up in the hospital.  Trust me, I have spent my time at those "24 hour" watching hospitals and they are not fun.  People do get over death, but not the ones they love most, and that is you. You keep finding what makes you happy.

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  4. Stefan 12 years ago

    Someone sent me something when I was feeling the same way and it stopped me from what I was about to do… 

    "My love, wherever you are Whatever you are Don’t lose faith I know it’s gonna happen someday To you Please wait … Please wait … Oh … Wait … Don’t lose faith You say that the day just never arrives And it’s never seemed so far away Still, I know it’s gonna happen someday To you Please wait …"

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