So, Today was hell. but what else is new?
Anyway, in the morning nothing much happened, partly because I didn't get out of my bed and leave my room until like 1pm . When my mom got back from her doctor's appointment though she dragged all of us out to start of back to school shit.
So kicks in the anxiety as we heads towards Hottopic, I got some shirts and pants, one good thing was that I found a Black Veil Brides book-bag so I also got that. But, I feel so ugly and disgusting in the clothes I got, They'd look better on someone else.
My mom said I looked beautiful, I don't believe her. They didn't even noticed that I dropped another clothes size, Seriously? But to be honest I don't care.
Also, one thing I'm freaking out about is "Pack Is Back" it's in 15days, that's when you go get your schedule ,lockers,sign up for clubs and all that bull shit. (our mascot is the timber wolf so we always do 'pack' things, ugh…though I love the wolf part.)
Anyway, Not only that but we're getting a new principle this year because our other one got a promotion, and mom set up to have a meeting with him to make sure he knows about my 'situation'.
He probably thinks i'm a freak already, which is true.
I didn't have to purge since I haven't eaten in almost 2 weeks, though we went out to dinner and there was no way for me to dodge getting out of eating, so I had to purge afterwards.
My throat burns from it, plus acid reflex. Also, on the way home the car infront of us skidded out of control and flipped, So my dad had pulled over and called 911, my parents as well as another group (apparently they knew the people in the car that crashed)
I couldn't help but think of me in that situation, That if I had been in a car crash and flipped that I wouldn't make it, That'd I'd die and no one would even care.
Though, I hope the people in that crash are alright, their lives mean something, Mine doesn't.
This set my anxiety higher because of all the people and what not, once we left I had to hide my panic attack. My mom and dad had brought up a sore subject about the six bullies, and what I still dwell on it.
They don't get it! It's not just the bullying…oh if only they knew….If only they fucking knew EVERYTHING that has happened.
They know nothing about what brendon has done to me,or my self-harm, or my eating disorders, they just know about my medical problems like depression, acid reflex/ulcers, diabetes, sleep apnea, mastostic colitis and whatever.
I'm so annoyed by that, but at the same time maybe it's for the best, That way I just go on with my normal habits, and maybe one day I'll just drop dead from it or go to sleep and never wake up.
Whenever I sleep my dreams are always unpleasant, But it's normal to me now, Does that make any sense? I don't even care, I deserve to be tortured both in the real world and the dream world.
I don't have much to say at the moment, I'm just shutting down and want to cut, take some pills and pass out.
I hope everyone else in the tribe is doing alright, Always thinking about you. Talk to you soon…
I am not sure what to say but I really hope you start feeling better soon -hugs!- Like lots and lots of hugs dear.
Man
I don`t even know where to start
You are way too harsh on yourself
You`re never going to get anywhere if you continue seeing yourself as the way you describe
I can`t say I can relate to much that you`re going through, because you`re really a lot worse off than I was, but one thing I can relate to is the eating problems
The most I ever weighed was 220 pounds, and that was when I was 16, in grade 10. It was hard, but I lost 50 pounds, and went down to 170. But for the love of god, purging yourself after every meal is not the way to go. If you want to lose weight, just figure out how many calories you burn in a day, and eat 500-1000 less than that. My body was burning 2000 calories a day, so I started eating 1,000 calories a day.
And the funny thing? Right after I dropped down to 170, I gained most of it back, and went right up to 190. Then I went down to 170 again, back up to 180, back down to 170. etc etc
It\'s been a constant battle. I\'m 185 at the moment. Yeah, it sucks
The point I\'m trying to make here is that I love food, obviously. Eating makes me happy. Actually, it\'s probably the only thing that makes me happy any more. You need food for energy, you need energy for everything else. If you want to take steps into getting better, I would say starting to eat normal would be a great first step
Please, at least, consider it
And not to mention if you keep doing that, your stomach acids are eventually going to erode your teeth enamel, and you might end up losing them. And then you\'d have to get dentures, and who wants dentures? My mom has them, and it literally scares the hell out of me whenever she talks without them in
Anyway
Ok
So a new principal? No problem
Anecdote time:
I failed grade 10 because I failed math and science. I failed math and science because I skipped 4 months of the school year because I was miserable and had no friends. Ok
Went to summer school, passed math and science, went on to grade 11. Grade 11 was cool, I passed with 70s.
Grade 12? Nah, didn\'t graduate because I failed gym, because I had skipped every gym class, because I was too scared to participate in group activities.
It took me months before I actually went up to the school to see if I could do anything about it? Why? Because, look at my track record. Skipped half of grade 10, failed 3 courses, and skipped a month or two in grade 12 and failed 2 gym courses. I figured The principle/vice-principle would think I was just one of those drug dealers (there were a lot in my high school) who didn\'t care about his education. But I did, I just had such bad anxiety problems that it let me to skipping social situations at school altogether. And you know what the first thing the principle told me when I finally went in and told him about all of this? I wasn\'t the only one. There had been a LOT of others who were in similar situations as me. And my school wasn\'t that big, it only had 800 students in it. So yeah, I was surprised. But it was because of my principle and the school guidance counsellor that I actually graduated high school, and got a lot more courage about getting help for myself.
I\'m not saying your principle will be the same; maybe he\'ll be an asshole. But I doubt it. A principle\'s main priority is the happiness of their students. He isn\'t going to think you\'re a freak. Your teachers aren\'t going to think you\'re a freak. People don\'t become teachers so they can judge all their students; they become teachers because they have a passion for helping students learn.
When I came back in grade 10 after skipping 3 months, the teachers didn\'t all point and laugh at me. They all got together and did whatever they could for me because I wanted to pass.
So anyway
I kind of want to finish this novel because I really want to go to bed.
I seriously hope you read this because it isn\'t at all fair the way you treat yourself. You deserve better. I don\'t care what has happened in your life thus far, you do not deserve to be so harsh on yourself. You deserve to be happy like everyone else, you deserve to eat, and you deserve to be free of judgement. And you can achieve all of this, but it\'s going to take a lot of work
So take the first, step, go eat a nice big meal, and maybe see if you can talk to a doctor/counsellor if you haven\'t already
I sincerely hope things look up for you