So, Today was hell. but what else is new?
Anyway, in the morning nothing much happened, partly because I didn't get out of my bed and leave my room until like 1pm . When my mom got back from her doctor's appointment though she dragged all of us out to start of back to school shit.
So kicks in the anxiety as we heads towards Hottopic, I got some shirts and pants, one good thing was that I found a Black Veil Brides book-bag so I also got that. But, I feel so ugly and disgusting in the clothes I got, They'd look better on someone else.
My mom said I looked beautiful, I don't believe her. They didn't even noticed that I dropped another clothes size, Seriously? But to be honest I don't care.
Also, one thing I'm freaking out about is "Pack Is Back" it's in 15days, that's when you go get your schedule ,lockers,sign up for clubs and all that bull shit. (our mascot is the timber wolf so we always do 'pack' things, ugh…though I love the wolf part.)
Anyway, Not only that but we're getting a new principle this year because our other one got a promotion, and mom set up to have a meeting with him to make sure he knows about my 'situation'.
He probably thinks i'm a freak already, which is true.
I didn't have to purge since I haven't eaten in almost 2 weeks, though we went out to dinner and there was no way for me to dodge getting out of eating, so I had to purge afterwards.
My throat burns from it, plus acid reflex. Also, on the way home the car infront of us skidded out of control and flipped, So my dad had pulled over and called 911, my parents as well as another group (apparently they knew the people in the car that crashed)
I couldn't help but think of me in that situation, That if I had been in a car crash and flipped that I wouldn't make it, That'd I'd die and no one would even care.
Though, I hope the people in that crash are alright, their lives mean something, Mine doesn't.
This set my anxiety higher because of all the people and what not, once we left I had to hide my panic attack. My mom and dad had brought up a sore subject about the six bullies, and what I still dwell on it.
They don't get it! It's not just the bullying…oh if only they knew….If only they fucking knew EVERYTHING that has happened.
They know nothing about what brendon has done to me,or my self-harm, or my eating disorders, they just know about my medical problems like depression, acid reflex/ulcers, diabetes, sleep apnea, mastostic colitis and whatever.
I'm so annoyed by that, but at the same time maybe it's for the best, That way I just go on with my normal habits, and maybe one day I'll just drop dead from it or go to sleep and never wake up.
Whenever I sleep my dreams are always unpleasant, But it's normal to me now, Does that make any sense? I don't even care, I deserve to be tortured both in the real world and the dream world.
I don't have much to say at the moment, I'm just shutting down and want to cut, take some pills and pass out.
I hope everyone else in the tribe is doing alright, Always thinking about you. Talk to you soon…