7/9/09 12:33 pm Thursday

I am afraid of my own anger against myself. I get upset with myself because I feel like I screwed up, like I blew it and I get furious with myself. I am afraid of how angry and disaapointed and judgemental I am towards myself. I never cut myself any slack. I am always hard on myself. It keeps me paralyzed with fear and profound self doubt.  I know I need to be less self condemning and less harsh with myself but that is much easier said than done. I feel like I get angry with myself because a part of me thinks that the anger and judgment keeps me in line and is needed to guide me. However, theanger and judgement is so overwhelming that I crush myself like an ant. It is a deeply entrenched pattern that I have been acting out for decades. I eviscerate and castrate myself psychologically with my harsh self judgements. It is so hard for me to balanced and compassionate with myself. I know I need God's help to change these patterns. God seems so distant and I get upset with Him too because I feel like nothing changes despite my pleas. I know things have gotten a little better. I used to be much worse with myself. It gets so tiring with this constant self berating. I get exhausted and feel like I have no energy left for healthier activities sometimes.

My parents were always very angry and disappointed with each other Life always felt filled with stress like a black cloud. I want to be able to practice being more empathetic and encouraging but I feel guilty when I do so. Like the correct and moral response is to be harsh and judgmental.

I feel like I deal with my inner child using an Old Testamentment philosophy of punishing transgressions and throwing away the key. Although I am a Christian and believe in the New Testament and forgiveness and salvation, it has been hard for me to apply that forgiveness towards myself when I screw up.

I ask God to help me to be more charitable and forgiving towards myself.  JC, Holy Spirit, break open the hard rigid shell that is so black and white. Help me to be reborn psychologically and emotionally and spiritually. I know it means my old black and white super self critical self has to die and that is very hard to let go. Help me JC, Help the others who suffer in this web community, Help my family and loved ones.

12:47 pm

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4:32 pm

feeling the urge to avoid facing by my issues by wasting time fantasizing and surfing the web. I want to escape from confronting what I need to confront. Part of me want to hide from life.

4:35 pm

God help me to stop running away, help me to stop screwing off, to stop my avoidance and procrasination. The urge to procrasinate and just push things off till tomorrow is very enticing. I'm a chicken and I don't want to grow up. Help me God to grow up.

4:37 pm

God, I feel like a kid who wants to play hooky and avoid going to school when i'm on the verge of flunking.

5:04 pm

The urge to numb my anxiety with the pleasure from fantasizing is very tempting. Help me God to stop from running away from my responsibilities. Help me to stay focused.

5:22 pm

The temptation continues. I think of how JC was tempted in the desert. How he was tempted in the Garden of Gethsemane to not drink from his cup. (Matthew 26:42, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." I think of David's lust for Bathsheba (II Samuel 11). Help me God to stop my lustful fantasizing.

5:31 pm