Well this is my first blog, I dunno exactly how this goes but I need to vent. I got dropped from my therapist today for missing ONE appointment. Nevermind the fact that Im on zoloft and klonopin, they just kicked me out. I had to beg to get one more doctors appoitnment. So im good with meds for a month but then what? they gave me referrals to other places but they are all quite far and its very hard for me to get to these places seeing as my problem is panic disorder which intensifies when im far from home, or when Im going somewhere new. I hate this, I hate this so much. I wish i didnt have to depend on these fucken meds. Even though I dont take the klonopin every day, its super helpful just knowing I have it, you know..just in case shit. The thought of not having any kind of medicine to help calm me down in case of an attack is making me panic in itself. Ill end up house bound, a hermit, too scared to go anywhere. Also, this news came at the worst possible time. My dad is sick. He woke up 2 days ago with facial paralysis, cant feel half his face, cant even blink. He refuses to go to the hospital. If something happens to him… I dunno… I think I would just die. i would kill myself. My family is everything to me and the thought of there possibly being something seriuosly wrong is giving me this gut wrenching terror and fear. Im scared. Im sad. I dont know what to do. Deep down inside I know I could beat anxiety, Ive done it before, lived peacefully for a few months before another flare up. But i just dont think i have the strength to do that right now. 6 years of dealing with panic attacks and depression and the whole vicious cycle really takes a toll on you, mentally and physically. God help me