When I go to the doctor next I am asking to put up my dosage of lexapro. He offered it the last time but I wanted to try for longer. I think I'm getting worse unfortunately.

I argued with my mother yesterday because I fell that both her and my father think that this whole thing is a joke. They have a lot of stuff to go through with my sister as she has depression and mam brought that up and started saying how upset they were that we both had to go through this. But I felt as though she turned the whole conversation around to her and how she feels which would have been okay if I hadnt really needed her to listen to me.

Perhaps I sound like a petty little child but I really feel as though they don't try to get it. Maybe it's just my anxiety making me think this way but I feel as though they think I am making it up or at least exaggerating. I never let them see me anxious before really not like severely anxious, I always hid it. When I told them they said I could talk to them but if I tell them I'm anxious or have a pain from it they just say what do you have to be anxious about or there's nothing to be anxious about. I get that's their way of trying to help maybe but it feels so dismissive. My boyfriend always minds me and he's not right now so need them more to be understanding. He's the only one who sees it really bad. I almost had a panic attack yesterday in the back of the car when we were arguing, it was horrible.

I also started snapping at my boyfriend last night through text and on the phone. I just felt so annoyed that he wasted his money going out and not coming to mine. I understand and can see clearly that this is completely irrational but I just couldn't stop myself from feeling that way. I was also paranoid that he was out and he never told me. He's the most trustworthy guy ever and he loves me so much, he's almost as clingy as me which is lucky or I'd be in trouble lol. So why was I freaking out???? Stupid anxiety, will it ever go away. I'm lucky he's so understanding, he never argues with me when I get like that. He apologises even though he's often not doing anything wrong or at least nothing that warrants my reactions. Later when I can think clearly though I say sorry.

I felt so much better when I began on lexapro but now I feel as though I'm getting worse. I also find knowing I actually have an anxiety disorder and being diagnosed is a bessing and a curse. I'm so much more aware of it because I now know what is wrong therefore everytime I act that way, it's not as "normal" because I know why I'm acting that way. Before I was oblivious and just thought that was who I was no matter what.

Sorry for going on and it's not even that interesting lol. I hope everyone is doing good 🙂 xoxo