I am a 18-year old high school kid trying to live comfortably in life, but lately, I have been depressed for at least 3 years. I have tried to resolve the situation by myself, but I have begun to have suicidal thoughts and decided to share my feelings in hopes of finding help. Let me start from the beginning.

When I was in 7th grade, my parents pushed me a lot in getting good grades. However, they pushed me so much that I endured so much stress. They also criticize me for being book-smart and not smart, so I would break down a lot, have insomnia, and cut myself just to feel good. Eventually, I stopped cutting myself,slept properly, and tried to ignore these warning signs.

When I entered high school, everything changed. Getting A's in AP classes became a hassle for me, so I became more stressed. I tried to tell my parents how I feel, but they said that I shouldn't feel that way because there are kids in the world who are in worse situations than me and that I am only a drama queen. I tried to suck it up, but every time I fail at something even though I put so much effort to it, I feel so defeated and despise myself. Why can't I be better? I am a shame for my doing! Combined with the stress and and emotions, I started remembering the happy and sad moments of my childhood. From fun time with my friends to bullies and moving away, I would cry every night wishing that I can relive the happy moments and erase the bad ones. I tried to ask my parents for help again but they sarcastically said "What am I supposed to do about that". I would cry in front of them and they would do nothing about it.

Today, I argue a lot with my parents because I was tired and sick of them. They think they have the most perfect and happy family and refuse to believe that I am a concern. They still mocked me, judged me, and even joked about my serious issues. Along with stress, pessimism, and depression; I began to throw random crying and yelling fits when no one is around and for no reason. I also began to have hallucinations of particles forming different unrelated pictures, voices whispering in my head, the shadow of a dead celebrity who is also my invisible roommate, and the sounds of tidal waves that always strike me in fear. I am assuming that it is the beginnings of schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, but I am not sure. I am no longer happy, The only things dear to me are my few friends at school and music, but that is all. If I lose both, I don't see a reason to be alive. However, I know that I can't kill myself now, I'm too young and too many people love me. Yet, I feel so hurt and numb that I might as well plan to shorten my life, no necessarily end it immediately.

I would try to make most of my days, but irony always hit me and disappoints me whenever I tried to do good to others. My heart would be heavy as stone. I would feel tired everyday even though I drink coffee. It hurts to smile or even fake a smile to anyone. I would always have a hard time with homework, school, and remembering simple things. I have demons in my head that tempt me with so many bad things. I already submitted to my lust through addiction to masturbation (it's annoying, i can't sleep unless i do it), making fun of everyone just cause I can, and binge constantly just to feel something. Most nights, i would cry to myself or in my sleep. I tried to tell my friends about my problems, but they couldn't help me. I tried to get help form other people, but I don't trust anyone, I'd rather have people I know help me. I feel so defeated and so lost. I even considered relapsing back to cutting myself. I feel so unloved and sad. I am giving up, and I'm getting worse every day. I know shouldn't feel this way because I am blessed with a home, food, and a family, but how can I ignore the fact that I feel like shit everyday for more than 3 years.

I don't know what to do. This is all I have so far. I may sound like a whiner or something but I'm hoping that I can get some advice or help from this.