I don't even know if I'll bother to come back here, but right now, I don't have anything else to do. I've been working in a temp job for two months, for which I applied for permanent a month ago. Yesterday I was told I didn't get the job (heard that a lot in the past five months). But my assignment from the temp company is to stay here for two more weeks.

My social anxiety when I first started this job was extremely high, and it had begun to fall off a bit in recent weeks. I could generally look someone in the eye without my Self recessing to the back of my brain in terror. Now, however, the awkwardness of having to be here when I've been officially deemed Not Worthy has sent me through the roof again. I feel as if I can barely breath. My chest hurts. I have had a headache for 24 solid hours, and I never have headaches. If I think too much, I know I'll start to cry, just like I did yesterday when they told me I didn't get the job. They're all very nice, and I could conceivably have gotten used to being around them, but now I don't want to see anyone here, I don't want to know they exist, and I certainly don't want to make small-workplace-chatter with them as if I'm the modicum of professionalism.

Chatter: "How are you?"

Me: "Extremely depressed, more depressed than I've ever been, in danger of losing the few things that mean anything and falling completely off the deep end, and I'd rather you not look at me at all. And you?"

So what now? I'm drowning here. I don't know if I can stay another hour, let alone another two weeks, but I know it's just the depression mixed with the heightened anxiety that is making me want to hide from reality. The 'right' thing would be to stay here for two weeks and move on to another temp job. The thought of starting another temp job blurs my vision, and so does staying here. How can I stand this?


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