In the morning, while I was refusing to get up, I was dreaming. I was startled awake by a phone call, which I thought was going to be from somebody important, but wasn’t…so I didn’t remember my dream. But just now I had a flash back from it and I sat still, in the hopes that I would remember more. And I did.
This is the second time in my life (that I can remember) that I’ve dreamed about myself when I’m older. Funny how in both times, I always see myself wearing those skirts that narrow down to your knees (“pencil skirts”?)…the ones I probably can’t walk in! :] It wasn’t a frightening dream like the first one I had maybe a year or so ago, but it wasn’t pleasant. My dream had dark lighting in it (been that way in all my dreams this week)…and from what I can remember, I was just wandering about this place filled with a bunch of people…I think I was looking for a room or something. And these things kept happening so that I never got to whatever it is that I was trying to get to, or do. And I met these people along the way, who were doing the same thing, only they had a partner, and they would tell me their problems…I don’t remember if I tried to help them or whatever it was, but throughout the entire “journey” through the building, I was mainly alone. I was talking or doing something in my dream when the phone interrupted my dreaming. I don’t remember what was being said. I think maybe I was talking to a redhead about something, cuz I remember talking to a redhead…on the roof? outside a door in a hallway? I don’t know. I’m mixed up. Something inside of me is telling me there was something more in that dream that happened, but I can’t seem to conjure it.
I hope these dreams of the future me don’t signify how it’s going to feel being me when I’m older. I think I was a bit scared throughout the dream…but other than that, I was fine being by myself…maybe? (The way I feel now.) I wandered a lot in it…probably lost.
I spent some time just laying on the floor today after trying to do something. Felt so weak. I don’t need alcohol to make me feel wasted. I probably could’ve just lay there for hours and hours if nobody was around to see me. My mind was thinking about anything, everything, and nothing all at the same time. I don’t even know what had gone through my mind. I feel like a capsule.
Yesterday, I went for a walk with a friend. I don’t know why I always just say yes when people tell me to do things. I guess I didn’t care or mind either way, but then while I was putting on a sweatshirt, I thought, “Hmm, maybe I don’t really feel like going.” But I went anyways because I already said so. And while we were walking, I talked about my frustrations and my stressing over how I’m looking for a job. Didn’t really want to talk about it, but I said a bit about it anyways. Then she told me that she thinks I should just relax this summer and do nothing, and I saw a small smile creep up on her lips. Can you guess what I am thinking here? She doesn’t want me to have a job. The past 2 years I’ve been working like mad, busy with my own life, I guess. I guess she just wants me around for her disposal, or that she’s jealous that I’ve had a job all this time and she hasn’t. If she doesn’t believe in having jobs, then why did she get one this year? What a selfless “friend” I have. I mean, I wouldn’t be upset about this if I knew that she was telling me that I need to rest this summer out of good intentions, but I don’t believe that she was saying those things because of her kind, caring heart. I notice the way she is when she’s better than me, whether it’s in a lame game of bowling or whatever it is. I regret having told her about what has been going through my mind when I am doing other things in my life…I keep forgetting that she’s not somebody whom I can confide in. This is the kind of friend I have as a “close” friend.
After these past few days, I don’t know what’s making me feel sad anymore. Maybe it’s the same things from the past few days, only I am not acknowledging them. Anyways, I gotta step out of my house for a bit…Take a deeeep breath and SLAP on that fake HAPPY face! :biggrin: