I woke up feeling great. After a week of nightmarish, compulsive thoughts, the fog cleared and I felt capable and positive. Today is also the day of my weekly therapy session with my amazing psychologist. We discussed my current obsession with a female co-worker. A little back ground info: About a month and a half ago, while away on business with this new female co-worker, she and I got very close, got drunk, ended up at strip clubs, and eventually in an adult movie theater. While there, we engaged in an exciting sexual experience. For me – that moment – I was elated and happy. Soon after, the guilt, fear, nausea, and stress kicked in. This girl represents the manifestation of what I think is amazing about women. She's tall, beautiful, smart, and deviant. But, I am not one of these men that can simply forget about an illicit sexual encounter. I dwell and obsess. She and I can never have anything meaningful. I love my wife, but because I am sick, I act out in inappropriate ways such as with this woman. That all being said, I have spent weeks thinking about her, wanting to tell her how I feel. That would be a huge mistake. And, after counsel from my therapist, I now fully accept that telling this woman how I feel would be disastrous. I would be dumping a pile of emotional weight on her and eventually it would explode in my face. So, I have come to terms with remaining silent and professional. I must kindly wipe my obsession with her from my heart. My most important break through (and saddest) is that after 3 months of therapy, my therapist believes I am bi-polar. This came as an emotional blow to my very being. I broke down in shutters and tears. I didn't even know what I felt. But, I broke down. And I am glad I did. Bi-polar disorder is nature not nature. It is chemical imbalance and now that I know there may be more medical help available, I feel hopeful. I will be calling a psychiatrist my therapist recommends and I will be getting an evaluation for medicine. I know it won't be a cure. But, it may help me get grounded and calm. There is nothing more important to me than my wife and my life and I am tired of destroying everything over obsessive-compulsive behavior.
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Sigh
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