Anxious as always, stuck home on a Sat with the old folks.. wishing I had the energy to see K. He asked me out on Thurs and bc of his phone I got the text too late again… But I would not have had the energy to see him anyway.

I went out today to the jewelry event and ran some errands and pigged out at Thai food. I am glad i went out and DID something. Sometimes I forget what living is like. I am trying to live, but it's hard when all I want to do is sit and drink and eat and zone out, comforting myself and dulling my depression with alcohol and food. That's really not living if that's all I'm doing..

Still, it is my first choise, the quick and easy fix. I hate myself for being so cowardly. At least I went out today, like I said, faced the car, the traffic, the people and actually had an OK time.

It was funny when I asked K how his week was going and he said he'd been in a "blah mood". I told him same here. I think he must be bored working so hard, not having a lot of time to do what he loves, what he truly loves is to perform… To me K performing is a nightmare, not because he is doing what he loves, but because I LOSE him completely when he's in a show and he meets and get close to his cast mates, that's when he left me in the first place almost 5 yrs ago… And when he was in Grease, he didn't even remember who I was barely.. I am sooo glad he is paying attn to me, but I miss him and need to see him soon. I need to be next to him again, to hold him, kiss him, massage him and love him, the only time I feel peaceful is when K is there, all mine, in my bed, that's the only time anything ever felt right both then and now.


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