i’ve been fasting all weekend long and for the sole reason to clearmy head and focus on life, so far I’ve done just that. but i am tired and more depressed now than when I started. i feel closer to God in some strange way church was amazing this morning it was of God just picked me up in his arms and now that I left church I just feel like what the heck, what the heck is worng with my head and  my will power, it like i have none at all.

I feel like the very thing I want is going to kill me, its going to put me in very unsafe places with unsafe people and it will just eat away at my soul and every little thing I hold dear. I have more worth in Gods eyes than I see in myself i believe it to be true i don’t want to sell myself short but its like i can’t stop myself and I know better I know this is not what my life is suppose to be like.

I feel like giving up and just having weak flesh and give in. And than ( theres always an and than isn’t there) i see myself in the mirror this girl this sad angry hurt girl that just wants someone to welcome her in to tell her how great she is and I know where to go, i just want it to be with me in my ear holding my hand  and nver letting go. i know that he is here with me I just feel so lost in my own junk and desires which really are my junk to start with.

i feel like I am spinning and my thoughts are racing, and  thats not a good place to be