I have suffered depression and various eating disorders since i was 14.I was sexually abused by a peadophile and groomed into his way of thinking.
its been a tough 9 years,Though i no longer make myself sick,or starve myself,and the simple every day things that really get to me.
my house is a mess,i know its a mess,im ashamed to let family and friends over for a visit,but i have no motivation to do anything about it.id rather just sit here and overthink things,even though i know if i were to tell anyone they would see it as a silly excuse.I have one pair of jeans that i feel comfortable in.when i go shopping i get to edgy and often end up in tears when i cant get a pair to fit in my size.i dont feel normal.even though i am now a healthy weight for my height according to my BMI.
work is another issue.since i started working at the age of 16(couldnt face last year of school and quit my musical theatre course)I have been ok with whatever job i am in for a while,then i start to feel out of place,unsociable,incompetent,and very worried at the thought of going in every day soon making up excuses for myself until i move on to another job.
Now even close friends that know me,if we make plans to do something,i see the date approaching and feel a huge amount of pressure.even if its something i really want to do ill look for ways out.
I feel really detatched.i have good days and bad days.Sometimes i turn to drinking to calm me down.sometimes i smoke weed.i know its wrong.
I have been to councelling,i have been on and off medication(when i go to the gp on a mission to do something about it,which i do every few months or so this is what they offer)but i always end up back on square one.i have joined this site as im now getting a bit depserate,i want to get rid of this cloud hanging over me.