I want to die.   I want to lean forward and crack my head on the desk till my brain starts coming out.  Why do I want this?  Since when do I give up? Since when do I say things like this? I don’t want to upset people. So technically I should take back what I have said… But there’s no one else to tell. 

It really isn’t like me to want things like this to happen. Yet I do. Does that mean i’ve plummeted again? Or maybe its just the medication. I don’t like it at all.

I think I mentioned I wasn’t doing well today to some people. It seems I shocked them. I guess no one really believed I had problems. I guess that is fine. I don’t like being thought of as a lier; but I still prefer people to not see this side of me.

Today I had a panic attack in public again. I usually can control them to be only at home. But I was at my lab and I just kinda started loseing it. Shakeing and thinking to much and muscles twitching. Heart beating to fast, way to hot. I didn’t know what to do. I was in public! I couldn’t just go throw up like i normally do when that happens. I remembered that my ativan was in my backpack. But that was on the other side of the room past the research technician and my research supervisor. In the end i was too desperate and i jsut went over and took one really quick. Later I found out that my supervisor had noticed and was quite worried. I felt pretty bad.

What happened to my ability to function? I have to go now. It’s my four year anniversary with my boyfriend. Due to distance we’re going to attempt and online date sort of thing.