I want to die.   I want to lean forward and crack my head on the desk till my brain starts coming out.  Why do I want this?  Since when do I give up? Since when do I say things like this? I don’t want to upset people. So technically I should take back what I have said… But there’s no one else to tell. 

It really isn’t like me to want things like this to happen. Yet I do. Does that mean i’ve plummeted again? Or maybe its just the medication. I don’t like it at all.

I think I mentioned I wasn’t doing well today to some people. It seems I shocked them. I guess no one really believed I had problems. I guess that is fine. I don’t like being thought of as a lier; but I still prefer people to not see this side of me.

Today I had a panic attack in public again. I usually can control them to be only at home. But I was at my lab and I just kinda started loseing it. Shakeing and thinking to much and muscles twitching. Heart beating to fast, way to hot. I didn’t know what to do. I was in public! I couldn’t just go throw up like i normally do when that happens. I remembered that my ativan was in my backpack. But that was on the other side of the room past the research technician and my research supervisor. In the end i was too desperate and i jsut went over and took one really quick. Later I found out that my supervisor had noticed and was quite worried. I felt pretty bad.

What happened to my ability to function? I have to go now. It’s my four year anniversary with my boyfriend. Due to distance we’re going to attempt and online date sort of thing.

3 Comments
  1. Baggs 12 years ago

    sorry you are struggling rach xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  2. Starpixie831 12 years ago

    Eventually you have to stop worrying about how you look to others. You have to put yourself first. Your needs will become more and more the more you try and hide them.

    It”s good that someone worried about you. It shows eventually you can let your gaurd down and let people in. Showing who you really are isn”t a bad thing. The ones who love you and care for you will accept it.

    "Those who mind don”t matter and those who matter don”t mind" just repeat that to yourself whenever you feel someone is judging you for being you =)

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  3. melski420 12 years ago

    hi rach…

    i see your in canada? where abouts? im in toronto and would be more than happy to be a shoulder to cry on 🙂

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