So.. I'll introduce myself as Dillyn I guess. I'm 17 going to be 18 shortly. I live with my mother and I have been with her since I was a baby, and my step-dad came into my life when I was approximately 5. I have a little brother and an older brother, my older brother is full blood and my little brother is half, with my step-dad. I spent a year with my older brother, roughly an hour away from my mothers household. I went practically a whole year without seein my baby bro, and I don't know what kinda life he lived while I was gone. My mother and step father have been alchaholics for the past 7 years or so I guess. And it just kills me to leave, but its so hard for me to live here because I don't enjoy seeing my mother drowned herself in alcahol, shes my momma. Have you ever kissed the lips of your mother while shes laying in the emergency room over dosing on pills. Not getting a response from her dry blue lips?? She's doing half of this to herself over the loss of my Grampy who just past away less then a month ago. Its like she can't help herself, shes so lost in her addiction to liquor. I want my old mom back. I actually have an addiction myself, I'm an every day toker I guess, I don't know why I smoke it.. A mental addiction I suppose, but much different from what my mother is doing. I always tell her "Mom, your going to ruin this family if I lose you" Like shes my mom she would do anything in the world for me but she cant find her true self past the liquor, the worse part about this is my step-father is the one who brings it home. I feel like I cannot say anything to him about bringing it in. I just kinda tell my mom to slow down her drinking but once she gets a few into her she keeps going, its a bad sight for my little brother.. I don't want him to see her that way… that will give my little brother problems.. him watching her cry and tip the bottle back. I never want my little brother to have an addiction like we do… Oh wait, hes addicted to cheese. He's 5 and hasnt tried anything besides cheesse and crackers, cheese sandwhiches, and grilled cheese, cheese strings, the whole nine yards hehe.. It seems the marijuana has made me forget my childhood.. I wish I could go back to the day before trying weed because it has changed my life.. I have lost interest in everything that made me joyus. My grandmother seems to lift my spirit but she lives so far away now. She is being strong about the death but yet, she still isnt the same. I feel like I can't stop anything anymore, my step-dad isnt as willing to give up the liquor, and he seems to be a little violent. He's never hit me, but sometimes I wonder.. I've never had a true bond with my step dad, i mean i love him and everything but i guess i dont know him like my mom. I wish he would have kinda bonded, and had more emotion to him. Maybe he would understand that I don't want to lose my mom, my little brother needs her. But her health is so bad at this age she has a eating disorder, addiction to laxitve, liquor, and prescription drugs. She says she can't sleep at night and has become reliant on a sleeping aid. She's taken several at a time with alchol and I have always tried to do something, I was going to call the ambulance one time but I was scared I would lose my little brother. My little brother is my world and I never want to lose him. But if this isn't fixed any time soon, how will I know he won't go some where. I mean, the little bugger is annoying, but god I don't know what i'd be without him. I want things to change soon, I've got a bond with my mom but its different when she's drinking, because I just don't like her personality when drinking. I see a sad hurt women when shes drinking. Like she doesn't want to be here anymore. She thinks none of us love her, and that we'd be better off without her sometimes, and all we care about is what we get for christmas. YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS… My mom to get better. I just don't know how long she has with her eating disorder, her addiction to alchol and her chain smoking is another.. I love my mom so much I nag her to stop, not to be a fucking annoying little bastard but to show her that i love her in my own way.. We need her thats all I can say, but i wish my step dad would put this change into action because I want to spend the rest of the time I have with my mom, with my sober mom. I want to be able to talk, and laugh, and joke, and I don't know fuckin be happy. I'm happy at school with my friends and stuff, but when I get home I eat and go down to the basement where my room is. Because my step dad makes it difficult for me to be able to talk to my Mom. I guess this is enough for one blog. No negative input please.
Dillyn, , Depression, Addiction, Eating Disorder, Grief, Medication, Personality Disorder, Sleep Disorders, 2