It’s nearly 8:00am here. I haven’t slept all night for various reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been having a hard time these past few months. Hell, who am I kidding? We’ve been having trouble for far longer than that. The biggest issue with which we’re dealing at the moment is how he behaved while we were broken up.

We were apart for maybe a week or two when he decided to pick up another girl online. She’s your typical attention seeking tard of a teen, evidenced by the fact that she met him online in the middle of the night, anywhere from like midnight on, gave him her phone number after talking to him for like 5 minutes, and then begged him to call her until he gave in. Shortly after that, she started crying on him over only God knows what and then told my boyfriend that she loved him and that he made her feel like no one else ever had. And my boyfriend actually believed her and told her the same thing, that he loved her.

We eventually got back together but things haven’t been good. I feel like he behaved inappropriately with her, that "I love you" is special and should never be said out of spite, and that it’s not necessary to jump on whoever comes by next, it’s not healthy or smart. But he did and I can’t undo it.

I’ve been obsessed with this punk since it happened. I feel second best…actually, I feel like complete crap compared to just about anyone anymore. I became so obsessed that I was even actually able to track the little slut down:

http://www.myspace.com/sexynojutsugaara

Mind you, I say she’s a slut because he told her that he was still talking to me and that things are complicated and yet she still wouldn’t leave him alone and all this happened in the course of like a week, that’s how fast she moved in for the kill and how little she cared about anyone but herself.

But now I feel terrible. He told me that she was overweight and unattractive but she’s clearly not. Then again, maybe she is and that’s an old picture, I don’t know, he thinks she’s overweight from what he’s seen but she’s changed her picture and status at least twice in the last 12 hours. -_-

I look at myself and see someone who is too fat, too short, way too boring, and entirely unintelligent. I can’t seem to feel like I’m worth anything and it’s ruining what’s left of my relationship. I’m so tired of dealing with this, of dealing with all the girls and the flirting, with my pain, with hating myself. I’ve spent much of the last nearly 8 years of my life submerged in depression and I’m fed up. I’m nearly 21, I feel like I’m wasting my youth and yet it’s still slipping sadly away through my fingers and I’m helpless to stop it or the depression from strengthening.