I woke up this morning to the realization that bad things don't go away just because you sleep.  Wouldn't it be nice if bad things that happen today then tonight you go to bed and wake up tomorrow and the bad things are all gone?  I actually physically felt my depression swallowing me up this morning.  That was a first for me.  I went to get out of bed and couldn't walk.  The arthritis in my kness, ankles and feet started to pop here and there and then big pops of pain in my hips so I have to sit back on the bed, cane is behind the door so I can't reach it.  I finally get up and take a step and you can actually hear the popping of pain in each of my joints.  Once I got going I could move but still not without pain but I made it around the apartment after taking all my meds and pain medication started to kick in.  I sat down with my coffee (still hurting but this time my spine joined in)  I was thinking about how my pain keeps me from doing so much.  Not just things I want to do like sit at the computer and talk or write but things my grandson and everyone else wants me to do.  I thought about how the doctor told me to start looking for a wheelchair because the deterioration in my spine has escalated and I'm not a good candidate for surgery.   I don't want to be confined to a wheelchair….there goes my freedom..at that time it felt as though someone had taken a sheet and gently put it on my head and it dropped around me like a new skin.  It was the depression and I could feel it as it fell upon me.  The pain makes the depression worse and the depression actually makes the pain worse.  What do I do?  How do I cope with this except for take it in stride everyone says.  I don't want to take it in stride no one asked me if this was what I wanted and I'm so angry, why me, am I supposed to go thru my life like this?  why?  That depression and pain brought the tears like this was the first time I've had to deal with all this and it's not I've been this way for years slowly disentigrating.  Feeling the depression actually coming over me was new and saddening.  All these emotions at one time…I've done nothing but feed my grandson and sit on the couch and do  nothing….maybe tomorrow will be easier or maybe I'll feel the depression again…I hope not I wish the nighttime would steal the pain away.