Missing having a close girl friend. I used to have someone to talk girl-talk with. Someone I could air out all of my female worries and thoughts to–someone who could lament with, and then laugh it off with.

I second-guess myself now, for pushing those friends away. I felt bottled up and tired of listening to one-sided complaints and drama drama DRAMA! At the time, it felt unbearable. Like if I didn't get away from it, I'd just explode with frustration. Now I feel as though I needlessly put myself here.

I've alientated myself beyond repair–like my father did. He had no friends after he married my mom. He only trusted his family (as in, my mom and his children) after being burned a few too many times. I keep making his mistakes.

Maybe friendship (normal friendship) is supposed to feel shitty and frustrating. Maybe people simply put up with it anyway because they'd be embarassed to admit to others that they fired all their friends and would rather feel lonely when they're actually alone. I've never been afraid of being a loner, but yeah, it gets old when the only people you feel like talking to anymore are family.

Been feeling kind of sad for the past few days–a weird kind of sadness. I've been tracking my fertility for the past few months with ovulation predictor kits–so DH and I know when to be more careful. Yeah, I know that's not very effective, but I'm counting on that. I was up front with DH about it not being 100% safe–especially since my cycles are irregular–we get that.

And I'm honest with him about my fertile days–few and far between as they are. It got to the point where I was never getting positive results from my random testing, so I went full force and tested every single day after AF, until I got those two pink lines that say "ready to launch". Except DH is not ready to launch. I am. My body apparently is, but DH is not. He's 44 and not ready. He blames money/insurance rates, but he just doesn't sound ready, and I can't MAKE a guy ready. He just has to be, whenever. And I just have to sit and wait until I'm too old.

So I've been looking at double pink lines for three days in a row and thinking about how many other months (years???) I'll be tossing those pink lines into the garbage can and just waiting for them to go away. Waiting for this wanting to go away.

A real girl friend wouldn't tell me I should divorce a wonderful man because I'm more ready than he is–although, this is what I expect when airing my dirty laundry to opinionated strangers on the internet.

His philosophy, in the 7 or so years we've been together, has always been that if I ever fell pregnant he'd be okay with it, but he didn't plan on actively TRYING. Now he says I have to find out our insurance options before he'll get on board with actively TTC–and THAT'S what has me feeling hopeless and trapped because we both know we're fucked in that department. We make too little to afford insurance for another person and make too much to get any help. Therefore, no trying. Problem solved–for him.

The real kicker is that I have no one to talk to about it. DH will only listen to so much talk about babies before he starts feeling badgered and gets pissed.

My sister's got a million things on her plate and I don't want to bother her with my worries and my mother has never been one to give advice that isn't peppered with spotty english and bible scriptures.

Instant birth control. The world has got me by the ovaries, and it's just unfair.


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