I look at a blank page and I wish I could say something profound. I wish I could make my thoughts leap out of my soul onto the page through my fingers. Sometimes my thoughts come so fast that my fingers can't keep up…. and other times, I just stare at the page and can't make the words come. I try to write well but my words fail to paint a true picture of what I feel.
I think I've been depressed so long that I've lost the desire to get well. I've lost the hope that I will ever be well. It's very much like a cancer… it takes you down to within an inch of death but then it goes into remission. But even during remission, you can still feel it there… a gray mass sitting heavily in your soul. What it takes to get well is to remove the mass. My mass is made up of all the big and little things that cause my sadness. I'm not sure I have the courage to bring it out and look at it… take it apart piece by piece. I'm terrified of that. I would have to acknowledge all the fear, shame, guilt, angerand weakness that have been my constant companions. Ina way, I think it's easier to let it be a gray mass than to take it out into the light.
I almost wish I was sick. Then at least my friends and family would maybe care…. at least send me a get well card. You mostly don't getcards and flowers for depression. (spoken in a whisper…) "If we don't talk about it maybe it will go away. She'll get over it. It's all in her head so it's not really an illness." At least that's the way my family operates. I've always been a little jealous of people that have the support of friends and family. I once went to a group therapy meeting. It was a fairly large group. About half of the people there had a parent, spouse or friend there with them. I chickened out though.I couldn't open my mouth so I stopped going.
I have been going to a counselor for about a month now. I've been very honest in talking with her. It's like I have lost hope but there is this tiny little spark that has not completely died yet. I've thought about it a lot. I think the only thing that has kept me alive are my kids. I just can't stand the thought of hurting them even though they are grown and have lives of their own now. I wish I could just slowly become invisible to everyone I know…. just slip away without anyone noticing.