after a huge blowout with my mom yesterday i finally attended my first alanon meeting. ive been meaning to go for months but she has always drawn me back in and made me think everything is okay again so i forgot and never ended up going. i felt out of place, the whole thing was them wanting me to claim powerlessnes to god. now i am spiritual, but i do not claim or pray to any specific deity, so that makes me uncomfortable, second it was just me and my friend whos father was an alcoholic, sitting there listening to everyone tell stories about how bad things used to be, but they are trying to be better now, and one man had been an attendee for 40 years but other than sobriety he didnt seem to have achieved any enlightenment or real progress, all these people just seem to be living in the past, and they dont appear to have really been helped, i understand how the support can feel nice to know you arent alone, but it felt to me like they were transferring their co-dependance on the alcoholic in their lives over to the group or god. im not powerless, and i dont want to be or feel like a victim. i am the only one who can stop me.

i only have to survive for two more months, i was going to leave immediately, i had already contacted and set up 2 places to stay by the time i met with my dad and he wants me to stay until i had planned to move out in may. he is such a good person, i feel bad that he always gets caught in the middle of the chaos, but my mother just acts like a child, i shouldnt be the one having to parent and tell her to calm down and lower her voice so we can speak like adults, no she screams something offensive and slams the door to get her last word like a prepubescent child. yesterday for the first time in 5 years i screamed at her, i told her i couldnt handle this anymore, i can no longer be her emotional caregiver becasue she cant handle her booze, my dad thinks that just because she switched from hard liquor to wine that its no longer a problem.. but he isnt there, he doesnt see what i see and i wish that he did so we could get her the help she needs to heal.


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