I really tried hard today.

I spent all day today trying not to get consumed by my thoughts. I went against my instinct to curl up and spend the day alone and instead tried to make the best of the day spending time with my best friend. For the most part, it was an okay day, but my thoughts just kept threatening to take me someplace dark. I found myself spacing out while she and I talked; I decided to keep myself busy with housework and taking care of the animals, but I still kept feeling like my depression was going to come back on me. This evening, she begged me to accompany her and her boyfriend when they went grocery shopping. I tried to tell her I didn't want to go, but she kept asking me until I finally gave in.

I really think that that may have been a mistake. I found myself trying not to start crying in the middle of the store. I just kept kind of walking off on my own, seriously regretting coming along with them. Something in my head told me that I didn't need to be there and that I should have stayed behind so I could be by myself and think. I didn't really mind that they weren't paying me much attention. If they had, she would have badgered me to tell her what was wrong, and I can never answer her when she asks me that. I never know how to answer her. I just knew that tonight, I needed to be alone.

I was able to keep it together until we got back. We did hang out and drink a little, but I don't really like drinking. I tried to forget what was bothering me, but I knew that once I was alone, it would all come back. My friends have passed out by now, and here I am. I don't know what to feel. I'm definitely tired, but I don't know if what I'm feeling is sadness or fear or both. I just didn't know what else to do besides come here and write. I'm a little numb, but not so much that my thoughts aren't bothering me. I don't know how to deal with it. When I'm with my friends, all I can think about is how I can't wait until I can be alone. But at night when I actually am alone, I become afraid of my own thoughts because I don't know what they will suggest. I just know that I can't keep going on like this. It's literally making me vomit. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.