ITs been a yr., since my x left me after I took care of him when he had an arterial dissection of the cortorid in the brain non operable and i lost my life literally, all my wordly posessions my childrens legacy, my home, my vechicle, my friends and so much more. I cannot no matter what find insperation in my life, I constantly long for death. i am taking care of my elderly mother and in charge of everything. I'm stuck with no way to care for myself and my family, no car, np job, no anything. i'm so sad, as i write this tears are falling like the snow that almost took my life in NC when he left me alone with no food , no wood to stay warm, no car, no anything , no hope.I have no way to get help. i can't sleep. He never even thanked me for saving his life for taking care of him through the dissection, he just left and is with someone yrs., younger than me. i cannot trust anyone any more, i am afraid, so afraid, i have lost my way as i have no quality of life, no direction, no reason to get up in the morning so i sllep as much as humanly possible which is hard.I miss so many things I miss Shay, she was my best friends daughter we were like so close, I miss roy, i miss the river , i miss having a life….. I sit here in one room in the basement of my mom's home. it has a small window covered by the upstairs deck, I have no electricity upstairs, so i'm stuck down here , she smokes and i'm allergic to cig., smoke. i'm sick all the time, the house is fulol of filth, i can't even remember what its like to have dinner sitting at a table as hers is covered in blood from her testing her sugar and wiping it on the tablecloth and med's papers from incerts from ads , etc. but it is her huose, so she doesn't care if i'm happy or not, there are roaches,the walls and ceiling are painyed dark beige i guess. the filth runs down the walls, the beds are piled up with stuff the floor has food and boxes and i don't even no what on them, i grew up in this house and my grandparents would freakout over how nasty as this little boy put it thids place is. I am a clean organized person,she constantly puts me down and tells ppl , i don't understand things. God i wish i were so dead, h-ll i can't even afford to die, lol. When summer comes the grass will be knee high and the neighbors will of course look at me like why don't you do something. I have no say, no qualityof life, i have no one, nothing to look forward to except taking care of someone else that doesn't appreciate me. I'm so dark, angry, hurt and bloody, i'm trapped, the comp., is all i have left and its dying , once its gone i will be trapped in this room with no way to connect wit the world…….I am crying again, I've cried enough tears to wash my dishes. lol. I don't have a phone any more so i can't even make a phone call as my mom monitors my calls and really doesn't want me using the phone, but even if i had a phone, there's no one to call anymore, I'm so alone……..