I went to a new counselor today. He is not a replacement but an addition to my current one. I will be seeing them both because I am too much for the one I think. I am not his only client and I have taken up too much of his time. I will only get to see the new one 2 times a month but hopefully it will help. I hate being such a burden on people. I think that is why i go to the conclusions that I do.
I am trying so hard to get better so that I can get my life back to a kind of life that’s worth living, unlike what I have now which is barely surviving. I am ok at times and sad at others. I am not sure how my feelings are, because they are liars to me. I think they are personalities that want me to be happy and other personalities that want me to be miserable. I can't stand this anymore!!
This is such a hard life. But I guess it was never meant to be easy. How do I get through all that is happening without a scratch? There isn't any way that I can think of to make that happen. To top off all that I have going on my ex mother in law has been diagnosed as terminally ill and I divorced her bastard of a son I did not divorce the rest of the family. I care about her, maybe i dont really like her all the time but I care! I don’t know what to say to my kids about the situation. They don't really know her (her own doing) and now she wants to get to know them. Do I let them knowing that they are going to lose her with in the year?
Today was my son’s birthday and I took him cupcakes to school and the dinner of his choice, which was CICI's, and tomorrow he has a skate party. So much to go through, so much to focus on. I don't know how I will keep it all together.
I have a plan and want to carry it out and I fight everyday to not do it. I think if that plan was ever taken away from me it would make me totally feel lost, Why is that? Why do I even think that way? My counselor took away one of my ways before and the inside of me went irrational and was finding ways to hurt myself yet it is all me. So confusing. How I don't want to yet I do it. Gosh it doesn’t make sense.
I am so tired of all the crap. I wonder how to make all this stuff change, or just say f it all and when I finish the boys birthday crap just stop talking about it and just do it. That is what i should do. No more talking about it just action.
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