I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately…

Kathie has been using me as her own personal slave lately. I’m getting tired of her bugging me. Tired of her using me. Tired of her bad mouthing me and everyone. She thinks that people abuse her… how wrong is she? All she strives for is ruining peoples lives, hurting others and treating people like shit. How can someone like that ever claim they are the abused?

The job situation is just that, a situation. Theres nothing out, or nothing I am qualified for.

I havn’t even been able to look into school. Being poor sucks.

The last company I worked for has been doing nothing but dicking me around when it comes to sending out my w-2. They are so crooked!

Then the situation with that girl… ugh! I started to develope feelings for her. I didn’t mean too and I couldn’t control myself! I feel so ashamed! I couldn’t even control myself. We would talk constantly, she would come over a lot and hang out. We never even held hands but I still started to fall for her. I wish I didn’t fall so fast. Its my down fall. Theres something about her that attracted me. I don’t even know what it was. I feel so stupid. She finally broke up with her girlfriend permanently. Shes single, free… but I won’t even talk to her now. Mostly cause she doesn’t even message me. I sort of feel like some stupid toy… I was used to help her get through a tough time. Now she doesn’t even message me. Its only been 2 days but still. She used to message me when she got online, now she doesn’t. I feel so used. I’ll get over it and move on though, its what I do best. It takes me about a week to move on from something like this. The whole ordeal really messed up my head though.

It dragged me back to times of being with Erin. How much I missed the companionship. How I missed thinking someone was a good friend. How I missed being with a woman. And I was genuinly attracted to Brittany. I thought she was beautiful and I felt so comfortable with her. Comfortable with the fact I am overweight. Bah! I saw this CL ad she posted in the personals a few days ago. About liking woman who were smaller than her. It went from she wanted to meet people, to that. So it just made me insecure around her.

God I just want to cry, I’m actually about to cry. Maybe I should just forget everyone, move away in April. I don’t know what I’m going to do?

1 Comment
  1. girl_interuppted 14 years ago

    i understand your loneliness, believe me. i haven’t been with anyone in years, and i desire closeness with people and i am not finding it. so i began to wonder if my standards are too high, if i want something that’s too much like a movie..a dream. and i think i do want that, but i don’t want to give it up..i don’t want to settle…it’s like i want all or nothing. and i too seriously think about forgetting about everything and just moving away..running away…and just being alone forever. cause i feel like the world isn’t going to give me anything more.

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