Here is my story: I come from a family of six. Of these, I am the only one who has a father different from my siblings. Throughout my life I was treated as the reject. My mother hated my father. She considers my step father her true love. My mother has always resented me. My step father was indifferent. Needing love, I sought refuge with my real father who resnts me because he says Im like my mother. This feeling of worthlessness has followed me my entire life. I always wanted to become more than what I saw in my neighborhood. I have dreams for myself. It has been a long depressing battle but I just want to get more out of life. But my whole family has never wanted anything good to come out of my life. They have cursed me and promised me I wouldnt amount to anything and I would come back home crying and with nothing. I thank God that so far that has not hapened. I am dealing with the fact that there is no love at home. But, they are my family and I stilllove them. Up until recently, my only wish was to be in a position where I could asisst them. I have tried to get in touch with my brother. He wasnt the worst out of the bunch and despite everything I still loved and looked up to him. I sent him a message on facebook and he never replyed. I gave him the benefit of doubt and assumed that maybe he just doesnt use facebook often. I tried so many times to reach out to everyone. I have freinds at home that tell me my siblings and mother are saying I will fail and return home. I dont understand why all this…its my life…why does it bother them so much. I know the answer to this but I cant understand it. Well all of this has been happening for years. I was dealing with it. Then oneday I reopened a new facebook account. I opened my facebook account and got in touch wth all my freinds. Then I ran across my sisters page. Under it, I found my neice who I had been very close to in prior years. We were so close, I said she was my sister. I later found out my sister blocked me. I didnt care about that, she has done worse. Last week, I added my neice as a frend. She accepted. I then sent her a message commentting on how big she got. She is a teenager now. I told her its too bad I cant carry her on my back anymore. I sent the mesaage. It was returned to me by facebook with the comment that basically implied that I was being blocked from sending this person messages. I thought that was strange and surely a mistake. She was my baby, could she really do that? I decided that surely there was a mistake and ill simply post my comment to her wall. She never replied. I even saw her online posting to other people. My therapist would say it was all in my head. that people change and alot has happend since then. Thats true but it hard not to take things like this personal. Knowing my family, they have succeeded in turning everyone against me. Even my baby. that hurt more than anything they could have said or done. I feel stupid. I know its not my fault and I shouldnt care but Im hurt and its hard to let go. I dont understand anything about the world. but Im fighting to not interanalize the actions of other people. Its hard not to feel sad.

3 Comments
  1. adara11 10 years ago

     Im just trying to think positive. When I look at my life in its entirety I feel its pretty messed up. I should have gave up a long time ago. My family would probably not resent me and I wouldnt have had to suffet thru the things that happend in school with me havving ADD. I feel like the odds are stacked too high aganinst me.

    I dont know where truth lies. I am at war with myself. I want to shrug my shoulders and think " Its been over 10 years. People change." I have to remind myself that it has never been my fault .I still have that dream that maybe oneday Ill be rich and marry a prince and live hapilly ever after. But when your 27 and struggling in school, and uncertain about your future, unsure of yourself and your relationship, that dream sounds ludacris.I dont want to lie to myself. This is the struggle faced when fighting depression. What is truth, right vs. false,wrong?  I know there comes a time when one has to accept some things. But I dont know what to accept or when to stop hoping and dreaming. With everything thats happend I dont know what is logical. To accept that Im nothing, my family even knows it. Or fight. But Im tired of fighting..very tired…To me it seems life has more disappointents than anything else and the good that is here, I can barely see. Now I know why so many ppl chose to take tehir own lives, I dont have the guts to. But I can never judge someone who has. I dont understand why God would want to place me in such a world.

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

    Of course you’re hurt, people are social beings that depend of family, friends, and social structure for their well being. I survived by being the black sheep in my family, that is to say, they only knew on a need to know basis. Fortunately for you; not all is lost. One can create intentional families, people brought together by common needs and goals. Co-ops are based on this notion. There are co-op communities,grocery stores, housing, all kinds of intentional groups, I am not suggesting you stop lovings your family, psychologists tell us that is not wise. I do suggest though that you look for love and acceptence, where it is freely give. It often isn’t where you expect it. On here for instance people have electronically "adopted" each other as kin and support each other by listening  and offering suggestions that have arisen from their own life experiences. Once you have support on here, look for it in your community or look for communities that are known for their social structure for the good of its citizens. They are usually in places that do not have overly large populations or often in rural settings. Remember love must be freely given, it can’t be demanded. Find people of like mind. Good luck XX

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  3. HoneyBunny 10 years ago

    I'm sorry for the way you've been treated by your family.  What's amazing is that you love them in spite of everything….you're a good person with a kind and loving heart.  My situation is almost similar, I have no relationship with my siblings.  We've been estranged for years, and I've come to accept it.  Mom was the peacemaker and matriarch who tried to keep everyone happy, but things changed when she became seriously ill.  I sincerely hope that your family will love and accept you for who you are.  Sending supportive hugs your way.  Take good care. ((Hugs))

     

    Honey

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