Well today is the first of the holidays for this season.  First of all  it's a bad time of year for me as I have SAD but it's also the first time I've spent a holiday alone.  I'm usually with family, lots of family who seem to help with the anxiety but I still wear that mask of happiness instead of the depression so as not to ruin their day.  My parents usually have the big dinner at their house but this year being as sick and fragile as they are won't be having it.  I was hoping to have it myself and have all my kids come over but they all had other plans so now what do I do with myself?  I thought well I'll just have a day doing whatever I want, watching movies, eating whenever I feel like it, maybe even take a nap but right now I'm so down I don't feel like doing anything.  I feel left out especially since my own kids didn't want to come over here.  I watched as my daughter and grandson left this morning feeling jealous they had somewhere to go but knew inside there was no way I could go out.  This time of the year brings back memories of the people I've lost during this time three of them on Christmas day.  I dont' know what I'll do for Christmas maybe I'll be alone again and maybe I won't but today is supposed to be a day of thankfulness, what do I have to be thankful for?  My parents are still alive, I have my kids and grandkids that I am thankful for and should be enough but for some reason it's not.  I dont' know what to do with myself.